What the hell are we fighting for?

I didn't write a post on my blog for over a month now. The reason was that I have been going through a really tough time with so many decisions, my brain felt like a a giant tangled ball of string that I couldn't find the end to begin to unravel it.

When I returned to Serbia from Graz I immediately felt the stress and pressure of everything that needed to be done here. CE was having another tough summer, all my savings were in our bar in Graz, and a lot of things were broken and needed repair. Last year the bar also had a tough summer and I put in some of my savings to pull it out of the hole that it was slipping into, this year I did not have that luxury and I felt the pressure and began to panic.

All of a sudden I doubted every decision I had made, to live and stay in Serbia and continue the business here. I felt like it was so much stress and I am constantly struggling. I see many people my age who are working in successful jobs or studying and it just seemed that I was so far behind.

I really had a hard time sleeping and I was crying a lot from the stress and pressure of it. I couldn't figure out what was the best option for myself and what I wanted to do. Everything felt wrong and hard and each option seemed to be a domino effect that a lot of other things depended on. I have doubted my own sanity in these moments as every day I seemed to think a different option was better.

Yes I have considered to close CE Novi Sad, to leave everything and once again start my life doing something else,to realise the dream was not reality and to forget about it all and do something more 'normal'

I do live a crazy life, between two countries, with so many things to do every single day. I have almost no time for myself, almost no money, I can almost never buy anything new, and I work constantly.

This brings us to the question of why we do what we do? What are we fighting for?

if its not a financial life choice, then it must be for something really worthwhile.

This is what I have been trying to clear in my brain.... WHAT THE HELL ARE WE FIGHTING FOR?

Its a fight to live and work in Serbia, its difficult for every single person here. I can clearly see now why so many young people feel depressed and discouraged with the system and don't see results for their efforts. I know why they want to leave and start a new life somewhere else. It's very difficult here.

Everything in our lives is a matter of perspective and worth is only the value that you place on it. It's a psychological thing, if you can attach worth to anything you are doing it will mean something to you, If you cannot, it will mean nothing and dissatisfaction will be right there, waiting for you no matter what you do, how much you earn, how beautiful you are, or how many friends you have.

I spoke with one of my good friends about how I was feeling, I told him so much negativity and showed him the stressfulness of it all. Instead of feeling sorry for me and sympathising with me he told me how much I have that I need to appreciate and be thankful for. After all, I have done so much here in Serbia, its been amazing, the cafe is beautiful and I am strong and able to do anything I want. So many people don't have the advantages I have, and in all of this, I do not appreciate it. He told me If I cannot be happy with what I have right now, right here, then I will never be happy. I feel like we are all putting our expectations so high, we want everything right now and we want it to be perfect. Life is just not like that, there are so many battles that we have to fight every day. It's a fight, but are we fighting? Or are we just letting life happen to us, is everything that is going on beating the shit out of us, or are we beating the shit out of it.

I am here in Serbia because I really believe that CE is something important for the community, that its making a change, that its creating a space that is free thinking, living and giving opportunity to the young people here in Novi Sad. I think this is important, it might not be important to anyone else, but its my perspective that what I am doing matters.

If I look to the future and think what to do.... my goodness Its just a big mess.... I feel the world around me is going so fast and I am still like a little kid, just trying to make sense of everything in some small way and to be happy. Its so easy to give up hope and lose faith in your cause, and to pursue some kind of other goals, earning money and success in other ways. I do believe that everyone's cause is their own and its not that one thing can be greater then another, but its a different kind of importance and sometimes something is just important for you and sometimes its bigger then that, sometimes what you are doing is important for many people, for a city, a country or even for the whole world.

My plan now is to close CE for the summer, 10^th June till 10^th of September, and in this time I will work to do the restoration part and to perhaps go work somewhere for a few months to earn some of that precious paper stuff that we all need for everything.

I plan to actually cycle to Graz from June 12^th till 16^th... as its a cheap, refreshing and beautiful way to travel and its not too far.

From there on, guys, I have no idea what life will bring, or how to work on everything. I must say that in these last few weeks when I have been searching for solutions, some amazing options have become available to me, and I will be pushing forward in as strong a way as I know how. I want to keep CE alive in Serbia in the best possible way for everyone.

We also recently hit our 10,000 FB likes. It's just a small thing that makes me see that CE has had a pretty deep effect on many, many lives.

We also have over 600 reviews on our FB page, they are pretty amazing

I read this quote this morning

Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

Robert Strauss

I do feel pretty tired of all the struggle much of the time, but then I remember what we are fighting for, that this is life, real, vivid, painful, and fucking beautiful.