Sunday 1 April 2018

Power Poser


Power Posing and Wanting what you have.

I want to share with you all, and with myself (because I know this blog is somewhat of a diary and a letter to me) some moments that have moved me. I do not get time or the feeling to write this blog that much anymore, sometimes I wonder if it is because I have gotten boring or lost the deep passion for life that I had… but its not that. It’s simply not the time for it, other things come and rest in my mind, stir me and move me, but I do not feel like putting pen to paper, or should I say.. fingers to keyboard. But today… today, this beautiful day, I feel like it. 

As you know I work as a bike messenger, for the sweetest company in Graz, Pink Pedals. The cycling crew that I have met and become close to over the last two years has brought me so much joy and honestly… they made Graz feel like home, not only through knowing them personally but also through knowing the city, getting intimate with the streets, feeling the weather in all forms harassing and comforting me, seeing the daily life of the people around me anytime from 7am till 6pm… sharing moments with doctors, dentists, architects, and anyone that we pick up or deliver a package from. What do you share? Well a friendly smile, a knowing tired look, a curseful comment about the weather or the drivers, and the pure happiness of seeing the first signs of spring.
There is the heart warming thrill of taking off your thick winter gloves after months of freezing cold and feeling the grips on your handlebars fitting snuggly into your hands… all of this and more are part of the cycle courier daily routine and life and I love it. 

I have to think back to when I started my first shifts for Pink Pedals, It was extremely difficult for me. I was constantly lost and I was super nervous almost all the time, which most certainly didn’t help. Despite feeling  very untalented at the task, I persisted, never really knowing for sure if it would get better. Even when it did get better, my self doubt was very strong. Even after cycling for more then a year and with plenty of experience, my stomach would churn before my morning shift, I would panic and get worried. My self talk was very negative as I would always tell myself that I was slow and an idiot and how could I not know this or that or whatever.  At some point I recognised it, I saw that I was constantly giving myself a hard time, but I did not know how to stop it. I watched a Ted Talk about something called Power Posing.. it talked about how your body language could affect your confidence, it suggested you take a more positive powerful stance before doing something that you need courage for. Much like the Superman or woman pose with legs spread and one hand or both pointing up.  I decided to give it a try.. and so.. I power posed every morning or afternoon before my shift.. I created a mantra which went ‘I am fast, I am strong, I am safe’.  I really didn’t care what I looked like, as I stood in full cycling gear in front of the mirror in our hallway and put my hands on my hips, looked myself in the eyes and said those words out loud, if I forgot to do it before I left, I stopped to do it in the entrance of our building or anywhere else where I had a break.  Slowly and surly my feelings changed, I started to feel strong, fast and safe… my self doubt, although always a cloud looming high in the sky… got smaller and smaller… my assurity and belief that I could do this job grew. I found myself saying yes when I was asked if I could make it on time for something or if I thought I could manage it, instead of doubting and taking ages to decide, I would say ‘yes I can’. I really believe that my poser habits and my positive re-enforcements changed my mind-sets towards myself towards this job. As soon as I stopped with the self-critic, the joyful moments abounded so much more… the stress and worry disappeared, I was able to control my emotions more and be more reliable. All of this to say… guys and girls… try a power pose when you need to do something that is scaring you, build the hero confidence, even if you are only pretending or acting… I had to fake it till I made it… and it worked. 

Here is a link to the TED talk if you want to watch it


The days fly by over here, tumbling in with the mixed emotions, ups and downs are part of life and even though I try to embrace them all I struggle periodically with self doubt and it is still a crippling disability. Since I arrived in Graz I felt it stronger than ever, more then that I felt dry of ideas and draining of the energy that I used to know back when I was at the CE in Novi Sad. I wondered many times what had happened to all the old me, the girl with irrepressible energy and strength. I read back over a note I had written to a friend, I had told him ‘tell me if I am not one of the most brave girls you have ever met?’. For my time in Graz I didn’t feel brave anymore, I didn’t feel purposeful, I felt tired. When I tried to push energy into CE, I felt like I was drawing from an empty well, instead of life giving water, I pulled out mud and muck and it took so much strength to do even that. Sometimes like a flash of lighting across a dark night sky, my lively energy would return, the fountain of ideas and inspiration erupted and I thought… ahh now I have got it back… but then just as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone, and the dark sky was back and I was alone with myself and feeling somehow helpless to change things.  I looked around me at my brothers and sisters, friends and colleagues and saw from my perspective the progress they had made. I saw the careers and education that they had built up…. I compared myself to them and felt inadequate, small and like a little girl trying to run to keep up with the fast pace that the adults were walking. At one point a thought changed my perspective… ‘If I don’t have what I want at the moment, maybe I should try wanting what I have’. And what do I have?? So many good things and people surround me every day. I have my own business (which by the way is pretty successful), I work as a bike messenger with a super cool crew of people, I have a life partner who loves me, I have my body working better then ever… when I saw all of this I realise that I have so many of the things I have struggled to attain and was striving for. I think that I was so used to thinking negative about myself and doubting myself that I never stopped to realise that things had changed… all the areas I had fought to put my foot down in were starting to take root… they had changed but I had not. Now its time to appreciate the road behind, the road now and the road ahead….. Its been an amazing journey here in Graz. Yes I have what I want, because I want what I have, I want it so much and I am grateful.
Some amazing stuff that I have been doing these days includes teaching bike mechanics classes specifically for FLIT people (I even got paid for it). I also finished a study course to be an English teacher… I have a job in a week teaching English in Salzberg. I am organizing an Alleycat* bike race with the other female couriers from Pink Pedals… yes I have been busy.