The Crazy Life I Lead

I am writing this post to clear my mind in a way, because there is so much going through it and it feels like writing my blog is kind of like putting it out there, almost like I have something hard to say to someone and then I finally blurt it out. I am trying to make sense of what I will be doing the next few months, even the simplest functions of living and knowing what to do are starting to become tricky. Am I that piece of butter spread too thinly over toast? Graz, Serbia, two businesses that I am involved in, my own passions and dreams, people I want to see, things I want to do, and most importantly of course, forming the person that I want to be. It all feels like a lot and I am the first to admit that I havent been blessed with the most practical or organised brain, the scrambled mix of events, to do's, places I must be, people I feel I need to be there for and all that have been weighing heavily on my heart and brain these days. 

The first thing that I got clear with myself today when sitting to think about it was this

It's cool and challenging, there is nothing boring about my life, and not knowing what to do is in a way a challenging crossroad with many options.

The next things I wrote in my notebook when brainstorming solutions for my next 6 months were these

1. MUST HAVE FAITH
2. TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN 
3. BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE

When I read over them, they made me smile. Of all the things that are happening, I try to clear my brain to realise what is really important. Love, faith and happiness are the things I want to grow in the garden of my life, the worries and fears are always going to be there, I wont water these weeds that are trying to crush out my enjoyment of all the wonderful things the world is presenting me with these days. 

Something that is hard for me to decide is how much time to invest in each place. Also how to keep the place in Serbia going, for so long it does not make any profit. Its been an incredibly rough journey to keep CE Novi Sad open. It has tested me in every way, and yes I dont feel like I am the right person to run a business and maybe the reason its so hard is kind of because of me, because of the way I am. However I cannot be another person, I am who I am and I have to do the best with what I have. I cannot tell you all that I have been through since CE Novi Sad opened, especially since the rest of the team of owners left Serbia. I can just say that it was not easy, and I wanted to give it up many, many times. What kept me there? The feeling like it was needed, the love for the people and our customers, and perhaps sometimes even my fear of what I would be like without it.

I feel like its like a child, its there.... taking everything I have all the time, stopping me from doing many things I want, I feel unfit to parent it, I doubt myself at every turn. It makes me proud, it makes me embarrassed, it makes me question everything, and it makes me exhausted, it makes me cry, it makes me laugh, it gives me unexplainable feelings of joy and sadness.... and yes I just couldn't leave it. 

This child needs to grow up now and learn to stand on its own. The difficult economic system in Serbia is something everyone who is from there understands, its been very hard to have a business there. I don't know what the future of CE Novi Sad is going to be, but I know that no matter what happens, everything is going to be alright. I will grow in new ways and life goes on. 

In all this uncertainty I struggle with the needs of both places, with wanting to give everything to both and also to try to be alright as a person myself. I know from last year that no one can say what the future will be. Our fears try to be our personal fortune tellers and they arent good fortunes that they are predicting anyways. Its good to remember that things seldom happen anywhere close to how your brain imagines it. I just take a deep breath and remember how small my problems are. There is a big world out there, plenty to do, lots to see and I will always be alright. 

If anyone who is reading this is thinking that they would like to help with the CE Novi Sad or have a solution or way we could make it better, please write me and let me know, because at this point it needs help, it needs to have some different input and some focused attention. Got an idea for me?? just let me know

On the other side of things, I have SOOOO much to write about, because I have been learning so many things, so many exciting things are happening.

Two things I want to talk about soon

1. I will be doing a bike ride from Graz to Spain this summer, hopefully

2. I have been filling in my scheduled monthly plan for myself that I made on New Year, and yes I have to write about APRIL, my new skill month.

For now this is all, here is a song that I really love, have a listen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdMxVlwBxYk

Here are the lyrics, so inspiring

Lyrics to Never Be Dauntedwhat are you so afraid of?
why are you feeling scared?
what's the worst that's gonna happen?

standing in the moonlight
I can tell you feel doomed
though nothing is wrong, no nothing

you say maybe a crane will fall from the sky
maybe a dove will dive
and I before your eyes

it's too early to say
it's too early to say goodnight (goodnight)

it's too early to read
it's too early to read by the firelight

what are you so afraid of?
why are you feeling scared?
what's the worst that's gonna happen?

standing in the meadow
with sunlight in your eye
and a sense of so much sorrow

you say maybe a plane will fall from the sky
maybe your lover will lie
and I before your eyes

it's too early to say
it's too early to say goodnight (goodnight)