The Good Life

 It's A Good Life

Life can be a pretty weird bundle of experiences and emotions.  

Do we ever get every area of our lives right? Somehow to me it feels like I have always been lucky in love, I’ve been lucky in love from every angle of my relationships with people, good friends, good people, a good man that I love dearly. It’s the other career areas of my life that confuse me and make me constantly question myself.

Here are some of the questions that are relentlessly come up in my mind, tell me now if any of these are familiar to you

'Am I doing my best with what I have?'

'Am I ever going to get my shit together and stabilize my life, have more money and have a proper defined career?'

'What will my future look like, what will I be 5 years from now?'

And yeahhh of course this one

'What the fuck am I doing?'

So I just want to reflect a little on that question, the one that is ‘What will I be doing 5 years from now’ because sometimes this one scares me, I think some other friends of mine may be confused sometimes about their future too… I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.. it could be one of those awkward moments where you admit something hoping to get the other affirmations to find that you are alone. Oh yeah should I mention now,  there is nothing wrong with being alone, in aloneness you will find time to reflect, you can figure out the most important things about the most important person in YOUR life…and of course that would be YOU.

5 years ago, I was working on opening CE in Serbia, actually it had just started, 5 years ago today it might have been open for a couple months. It was running smoothly and was a beautiful hive of activity. 5 years ago my life was different, 5 years ago I was different. When I reflect on the adventures that the last 5 years have brought me, when I see that choosing to live my life in this way (though sometimes it does not seem so much of a choice but a driving force), So much has changed, when I think of this I realise that anything can happen. You can change anything and create anything in any amount of time, it’s a matter of what we want and what we dream and what we want to create, hard work, faith and perseverance.

You know something about me, I am never satisfied. I am never ever going to be able to look at myself and think 'Anna... you are there... you are where you want to be'. I am always going to be one of those people that just can't settle down, settle up, settle for anything, settle at all... Sometimes i feel like taking myself by the shoulders and shouting 'WHAT DO YOU WANT??'
In all of this I take time now to appreciate the journey so far and to calm my questioning, unforgiving mind and admit to myself its a pretty good life.

Life in Graz… its pretty fucking lovely. Working with the crew from CE, it has its challenges for me personally, but that is part of life, what would it be with challenges and struggles. I have jobs that I love, I have people that I love.. damn it.. I have love. I am always going to be this person that leads from the heart. It bothers me sometimes when I see that my projects may create an impact but I still scrape by, saving for my rent and for the things I want. Do I need to make a choice to live either for what I want or to pursue stability? There must be a better way, a way for all those things to find their place; it’s my mission now to find that way.

But if not, if I cannot ever earn anything from CE, if I do end up sweeping streets or cleaning toilets, I will be happy doing it, I know I will.. I know whatever I do, wherever I am, whoever I find myself around… I may have struggles, I will always fight for what I want… but I know I will be happy.. Because above all else that is what I pursue, that is who I am and that is what I want….

What do you all think about this? Would you pursue love and happiness over material stability? And also… can you have both?

I also don’t feel I need much material stuff at all, it’s only when I look around me and see what others have got that I start to feel inadequate, so maybe the solution is.. less looking around and more looking inside.

There are so many good things to think about to appreciate.

1.       I am the lucky soul that gets to cycle as one of my jobs. Maybe I never really wrote in a proper post that Pink Pedals is a super lovely place to work. Bike messengering has made me proud, happy and strong. For one I get to wake up and get on my bike.. and know that I am not just riding to work, I am riding for work. Also this job has challenged me, and in challenging me has made me see that I can succeed when I try. It was tough for me to get acquainted closely with the streets of Graz, but now I feel like I know them like a dear friend, some days we are not quite in sync.. but when we are, we are very, very good friends.

2.       I live with some pretty amazing people in a super lovely apartment in a city that I always wanted to live in. 4 years ago I hitchhiked to Graz with Sanja (crazy artist lady), on arriving in the city we wandered up and down the streets, met amazing people and fell in love with the place… we always said one day we would love to live here. That day is today… and it is just a wonderful place to live your life, or at least a part of it.

3.       I met a real soulmate here In Graz, I guess everyone knows I am totally in love with this person. Saying he’s my boyfriend does not even get close to describing how sweet and deep this relationship is. We have so many things in common and have already had so many adventures together.

4.       CE is my own little baby, I can put ideas and creativity into the space and know that its mine.

It’s a good life, really it is, and if I ever complain, I will reread this post and remember… It really is a good life.

Ending A Chapter

Alright, now is the time to put together some thoughts about the recent events.. and also to talk a little bit about the past and a little bit about the future. 

CE in Novi Sad has closed. The beloved little coffee shop had been open for 5 years now and its really run its course. My emotions on the whole project remain very strong despite not being physically there for the last 2 years. For the time that I did live in Novi Sad and when I was running the CE, it was my whole life and basically the only thing I did or had time for. It was so enveloping as a project that I found it hard to do anything else, I never took holidays and I hardly ever had days off. All of the crew who have run CE since I have left know exactly how much effort and emotion the whole place took. One of the reasons why it was so difficult to keep going was simply the economic climate in Serbia, where the bills and expenses were high compared to the income the place could receive. Not wanting to make this solely a commercial venture, CE was always a community space. In other countries we could perhaps get funding for this kind of idea but we weren’t able to do that in Serbia for some reasons.  Looking back on the last 5 years I cannot say that this business was a failure. Indeed we lost money through this, as we put it, it was a big space in everyone’s heart and a little hole in your pocket. However looking at impact, social values, business experience, people that were helped, and the different ideas that have sprung out of the original root.. we have to give some credit to the venture, it may not remain open but it made an impact in so many ways.

I remember very clearly the first opening day of CE, more than 5 years ago now. I had nerves hitting the ceiling and I was so afraid of it failing in the first days or month. I remember just running off at night before the opening to go sit by the river and listen to music. My head was jammed with all the details of the opening and I was feeling so unable and like I was the last person in the  world who should be trying this. I remember thinking ‘why.. why did I have to do this, I am setting myself up to be super humiliated in this community, everyone is going to see it fall and just realise what an idiot I am’. Well the first weeks and months of CE passed and then years, new challenges presented themselves every step of the way, the fear of it not staying open past a month was gone, but there was always a different battle to fight.  The whole time I lived and worked in Serbia was the hardest time of my life so far, but also the most memorable. The struggle to work this business in this country was pushing me in every way. Those who know me well, know best the emotional breakdowns I had and how difficult this was.  I just want to clarify here that I was not the only person who started CE or who kept it running, there were so many people who participated and made the project run. The only reason I will talk now about what I went through is because I am writing it from a personal angle and I can only say the things its made me feel. I know that each of the original owners and every other person who worked at CE has every right to feel like the place is theirs and yes it is… anyone who has been to CE can understand and knows that it was all of ours and it made all of us feel something special . 

Many people have asked me how I feel to close it and see it closed, yes its sad… of course… but everything  comes to an end sometime and somewhere. We see it in nature and in our lives all around us. Goodness.. even we don’t last that long.. It can be kinda sad sometimes, but its also beautiful, knowing that from the end of one thing, you can let go and begin with something else.  Nothing material lasts forever, what I think will last and what I am proud of is the memories of all the good that happened in that one little space. I remember always thinking.. it’s a small room, but its got big stories.  I met amazing friends through CE, so many hilarious and heart warming moments happened there, I performed so many crazy things (even doing my Romanian magician show), I also saw so many great couples get together there, so many friends meet and relationships formed, some wonderful live music happened there, so many performers from all over the world were on that tiny stage, so many people presented their life stories there… so much more then I can even write down.

So the closing party was June 30^th, I walked into CE and immediately tears started, it was not that I was sad but that I was overwhelmed by everything that had happened. It was coming to end and that was the end of one chapter. Now its time to begin the next one. 

Andy and Ana have started a little café in the centre of Novi Sad called ‘Little Bits’, its like a tiny CE, if you are one of our customers and you are wondering where you can go… think no further.. it should definitely be your next hang out spot.. make it your regular coffee place.. it’s a business venture by a couple young people with real vision to make something nice for customers and staff. So support them in every way you can and the most important way is to simply show up and when you think of going out with friends for a drink… you know what to do.

Culture Exchange in Graz is still open, the 2^nd baby is alive and well.. Although only 2 years old and is very different from the first.. what will happen with this venture.. well.. only time will tell. 

 

Life, Love and CAKE

LIFE, LOVE, CAKE BABY

So this week I travelled back to Serbia, 3 days and a lot of people to see and spend quality time with.

I had the most Balkan ride from Vienna to Novi Sad. Two big Serb dudes and two ladies smoking a whole packets

of cigarettes… windows in the car up… and playing loud tambourashi music, singing under their breath to every song. Plenty of stops for buying new packets of cigarettes and drinking ‘duze espresso’.  There was no better way to re-enter the culture that I loved so much, after all it can’t be fully experienced without these very authentic parts.

Arriving in the city, it’s a grey cloudy day, trying to rain and looking sad yet beautiful. The colourless grey building projecting up into the sky, deserted balconies with no trace of life, a crowd of poor kids sitting on sheets of cardboard on the street, stray dogs that had seen better days wandering around outside of bakeries looking for scraps of anything edible. With all its natural gloom it welcomed me like an old friend and I always felt a touch of emotion walking back on these streets that I knew so well. At every corner there is something I know, some memory hidden there, like a treasure that I buried and can always uncover at the moment I pass it. Serbia looks very different to Austria, but beauty comes in many forms and its tall socialist buildings stand up straight and tall, unmoving and uninterested in the world passing by. I am constantly reminded that my whole life used to be here, everything that meant anything to me was in this city. I had built, loved, laughed, cried, created, and fought for many many things here. As if to remind me that I will never be a stranger here, I walked only 500 meters before someone recognised me and called out ‘Caio Anna’.. smiled and waved..

Culture Exchange in Novi Sad looks beautiful. Ana and Andy are the new responsible owners and it’s been growing and changing in many wonderful ways.  It’s always nice to be here, and I feel the love and sense of community that it has built. A big thank you to Andy and Ana for letting me stay with them during these days and also for keeping CE, and caring for it. I feel like all the time and effort that I put into CE has made a lasting effect and I can see that these guys who run it now also put this love and effort to make it run, and it works. It’s really a special place, when you come inside you immediately feel that you are at home, that there are good people here and you feel comfortable. It’s got an amazing positive energy, it’s almost unavoidable to be affected by it.  I do not know why the CE in Serbia has made this impact or stood for this long, we all invested a lot of ourselves in it, but like a great painting, all the people that put some colour into it made it what it is today, even those who just passed by and put some energy into it, all the original owners, all the staff that ever worked here, with their faith in this place they made it what it is today.

Even though I love it here in Serbia, I look forward to going back to Graz.  Lots of people are asking me if it’s better for me in Graz, if I have a better life. I have to say It’s very different, I have more security and more of a chance to save money, I have different friends, and different responsibilities. I feel like neither is better than the other, both were perfect for that time. I grew through each experience and I wouldn’t trade my time here in Serbia for any amount of money or anything else (candy). I learnt that everything has a time and a place and will fall into place with time. 

So let me tell you about my recent project with expanding CE into the cake-making business. I have been baking cakes for around 2 years now  and as always I think big, I am developing my skills and thought that a great way to progress would be to try to make more cakes. How to do this? Well creating small branch of CE for catering… and of course calling it ‘CAKE BABY’. First me and Medea (my partner in crime) wanted to call it ‘Sweet Little Things’.. tho after some thought we felt it did not fit us so good… taking inspiration from one of our favourite films we settled on ‘CAKE BABY’.  It’s still early days.. but give us some support and check out our page, give us a like and possibly a share.. and you could even order a cake if you are feeling really adventurous.. and you live in Graz. It’s kinda my recent ambition to create a wedding cake, I feel I need this to expand my skills. None of my friends seem to be too successful in love, so I don’t know of any weddings, but if anyone feels like doing something stupid and getting married.. let me know. 

      Palm readers and other Asian experiences

So one interesting experience that I had in Asia was getting my palm read.

Now I always find two kinds of reactions when something like palm reading or astrological reading comes up. Some people roll their eyes and have half a smile on their face when you tell them about it, they clearly feel it’s ridiculous and don’t take it seriously. The other half of people are super interested and curious, they would like to have their palm read and find it really fascinating. So I am more towards the second group but I also understand the first one completely. It’s not that I believe everything that is said, but simply that I am so curious about it that I would not be able to resist having my palm read, my future told or any of those kind of hocus pocus things that no one really knows if they have any roots in truth or not. 

So at the yoga retreat in Siam Reap there was a guest palm reader, a crazy looking fellow named Denis, he told us that he had spent time with the native americans learning palm reading. He was wearing my favourite style of sunglasses (very tiny John Lennon ones), he had a big smile and talked in simple child-like anagrams, I liked him immediately. He was kind of hosting the palm reading as a workshop for free and then afterwards you could request to get your palm read personally at another time. He was calling up different people and talking about their palms. It was not about telling the future or talking about your past, he was talking about your gifts and attributes, the strong points or weak points of your personality, the things that would make you afraid or bring you joy.  I am sure it was very interesting for each person when they were having their palm read, but if you were watching and listening to other peoples reading it didn’t really make that much sense. I kept putting my hand up to get picked, but no one chose me. Finally at the end he said he had time for just one more reading and I re-enacted my victory run from grabbing the bouquet at many friends weddings… and scored myself a spot up there.  So Denis got another friend of mine to come by and with a pen place a dot anywhere on my hand.  After looking at where she had placed it he said right away ‘well that clearly is dance, I don’t know if you did dance, if you are a dancer, or were a dancer, but whatever the case dance is your passion and its what you feel good doing and you need to do it to be happy’. I felt really touched by this because just the day before I had written down in my diary of the trip ‘I know I want to dance again’. Dancing has always been special to me and has always made me happy. I never felt I was very good at it even though I danced for many years, I always felt like I was not very talented and that it took me so much longer then other people to learn simple things. However if I take out the self judgment of my skills, I always knew that dancing had a special connection with me, I always had my own way to dance and it was good in its own way. Something interesting that Denis said about many people was how they need to do more things to just be fun and childlike. Its so interesting that often when we enjoy something or are good at it, we try to turn it into a business or take it too seriously, it takes the fun out of it. Then it no longer becomes the thing that brings us joy and instead becomes a source of stress or comparison with others. We all need to think about which things bring out our childlike laughter and happiness and do those things, and see them as a priority and an important part of our lives. If you lose the happiness and the joy in your life then what is the point, if you don’t know what makes you happy.. think back to when was the last time that you could not stop laughing or when something filled your soul with gratitude and happiness. 

Our whole trip in Asia was an amazing experience, with lots of little gems and hilarious, touching and crazy moments, I will have to write lots of posts with short stories from the funny things that have happened. Now i will just share my reflection on a few things. 

When I got back from Asia a lot of people asked me if I was sad to come home or if I was getting the travelling blues. Me and Tom talked a lot about how even though we loved our travelling times and all the amazing experiences it gave us, we were happy to return to our lives here. I met a lot of people while travelling that did not like their lives, that were escaping in many ways. They worked really pointless jobs or just didn’t feel good in the life they had created, it was for them a much more life-changing experience then for us. We realised that we love our lives, that we are really happy with many many things. Of course its not perfect and there are also lots of things that bother or make me want to change stuff. However when I think about my two jobs, CE and messengering.. I am so so thankful. I love both of them, I enjoy doing each and every thing in those jobs and I feel passionate about improving myself through them. 

 I did not feel that travelling really uprooted or changes my views on life, at one moment this kind of disappointed me because so many of my friends who had travelled had said how it had been the best thing they had ever done and how my life would never be the same afterwards.  I realised that I have travelled a lot already, lived in countries where I did not speak the language and been out of my comfort zone for years now, so the culture shock was not as sudden or destabilising. I was happy to know that the life I have created here in Austria is something that makes me happy and challenges me, I don’t need a lot to be happy, but I have a lot of things to be happy about.

Last year was a bit of a mixed bag, it had some pretty big moments in there for me but also it felt more calm and steady then my other years.  There was less inner turmoil and more peace and acceptance. This could be because I am in a relationship with someone who really settles and supports me, I know that many other years I was really having lots of emotional problems because of situations with guys. However I also stay alert, I don’t want my life to settle down in any way, I do not want to be satisfied or bored or boring, I really want to live 100 percent, to experience all that life can offer at the highest amount that I can get it. One thing I would like to stop doing this new year is putting so much of my energy and time into work. I do not mean working towards goals or activities that I am happy with, I mean working countless hours just to earn a little extra money which I do not need. My time is going to be the most valuable thing this year and I want to try to uproot some of my workaholic habits and replace them with strong pillars of working hard on myself as well as in a job or something that brings me money.  

I would like to progress in learning many things this year, for me progress would be to go forward slightly in some of those goals. Do one class or ask more questions about them.  However with the bigger goals such as learning German, or dancing again, I would like to actually go forward with them in a more determined way.

Here are some of the things i want to do this next year

1.       Make a concerted effort to learn German (go to A2 level, be able to hold a 15 minute conversation in German)

2.       Things I want to learn at least a little about: Bass guitar, Caligraphy, Art and drawing, teaching English, dancing, cooking, bicycles, design and photoshop

3.       Do one long distance cycling trip

4.       Improve in working as a bike messenger

5.       Improve my cake making skills, and figure out how to do more with this skill

6.       Save a little money and keep better track of financial things

7.       Strengthen my relationship with Tom and grow together as a couple