I was trying to make a list of things I could do in the future.

I realise every now and then that I have no university diploma, I cheated on all my algebra tests in high school and I have nothing to prove my abilities in the form of paperwork of any kind.

Fishing back and forth between thoughts of going back to study or continuing down this path of activities with no real back-up or support system for the fture… ahh yes its been on my mind from time to time.

Every now and then I think I know what I want to do… I think perhaps I could be a midwife.. those  white dresses and delivering babies.. how heroic.. but then I think of all the blood and all the… bits and pieces i will see… and I think I will need more assistance then the woman in labour.. then I think a journalist would be a good idea.. I could study for that.. but already writing this blog tests my concentration and writing skills.. believe me I am stalling right this very minute. My brain leaps from one occupation to another.. the main problem with me doing any of those things is that I don’t like doing anything too hard for too long. This may seem very un Hollywood movie like.. when you see that all you have to do is work really fucking hard and persist to become a hero.  These two things.. working very fucking ha

rd… and persisting… I can do them both.. but i want to do that for so many different things, not just one. I am aware that there are many people like me, with brains that just don’t compute to the normal career driven path, who crave new experiences, people and ideas all the time, are you one of them? It would be interesting to know how it makes you feel.

We are now watching the Olympics, we see the best and strongest person glorified, we all watch in admiration and kinda dream of doing something worthy of a gold medal ourselves one day. I always wanted to be very good at something, so whenever I got an interest, I forced myself into it with a passion, telling myself that was my thing, then I got distracted with something else and began to work on that… all of this has resulted in who I am today, a collection of random and eclectic half leaned skills on my belt and I have to say I enjoy doing every single one of them when I do have the chance.

Its not so bad to be one of these kind of people, I know lots who are.  I watched a TED talk where someone talked about this and called us ‘multi potentialities’ and it really is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who cannot do one thing and one thing only

Also guys, its not so bad to be a bike messenger and its great to work with Pink Pedals, a really cool and young group with good energy and focused on cycling

I just want to say that if I am not getting lost now (not so much anyways) and managing to bring things to the right places… then for sure anyone could learn and do this job. The whole idea of being a messenger seemed counter intuitive to me, because I am very spaced out, getting lost…. Once I even got lost in my own apartment building… yeah and I'm kind of nervous and jumpy… not calm.. how can I say crazy in more ways?

Three weeks ago I was crying after my shift and I remember one of my friends asking me… ‘well why do you even want to do it so bad, it seems like its really hard for you and not that much money’. I knew though that I had to get through this hard part, the bit where I know nothing and I am always confused. I think I am now safely unto the next stage of learning, not from the complete basics but the improving what I already now know. I do not know why I always wanted to be a bike messenger, for me it felt like it was the coolest job you could do. I have to admit after I rode my first shift with one of the other messengers, I nearly died on the way, it was sooo much harder then I thought, but of course I pretended I was fine… fake it till you make it. After this I was not sure I could do the job, but with time and patience I see improvement.

My favourite things about this job are

1.       Getting to keep your body fit and train while you earn money

2.       The cool exchanges you have with the people you meet along the way, from the people in the businesses or offices to the looks you give people on the street, just a little eye contact telling someone they can cross in front of you, or letting them know you are passing through.

3.       The feeling of satisfaction when you find a new short cut or find a street you were looking for easily, when you try a new way and look to the street name and give yourself a virtual pat on the back when it’s the right one.

4.       The way that streets around the city begin to connect for you, when a friend mentions where they live and you remember that you delivered something there.

5.       The feeling of freedom and of course… pure exhaustion that comes from riding your bike as fast as you can for as long as you can

There are some thing I hate about it too.. such as a super early morning.. but on the flip side.. this can also be really beautiful and refreshing. I do hate being lost and really confused… but as I said before… with time this changes.

 Patience is the name of the game. When i was starting to work as a messenger, or at least when i wanted to begin, i read a quote that said 'A monkey in a suit is still a monkey'. This quote bothered me more then i can say. I didnt want to just say i was a bike messenger or a business owner or whatever else i was, i wanted to really be that, i wanted to be 100 percent genuine and walk the talk. I felt like i would never be able to do that and that i was that monkey in a cycling t-shirt, still a monkey, making a mess everywhere i went. Ah now i can look back and laugh, of course i am a monkey... :) but i am genuine in every effort that i make, i have persisted towards my goals and i am really doing everything i want at this point in my life.

    So an update on what is happening with Culture Exchange. Danny and Lani have made the decision to go back to the states, after giving so much time and effort for our baby in Serbia, they have brought the place back to life. It has lived another beautiful year and they did an amazing job. For thier family and other life goals they will be moving back to be with Danny's dad. Don't worry, Culture Exchange in Serbia is going to be continued, as our dear friends and people who we have worked with for years, Ana and Andy are taking over the shop, they will be putting thier unique colour and flavour into this business. It's amazing how many phases the business in Serbia has had, and its still going, its a really interesting story and it continues to develop. Our place here in Graz has its struggles, some are more on a personal level and others on a simply business level. We have been here one and a half years and its still only scraping by. We get very little money from its and its been a tough battle the whole time. Who knows what the future will hold, but no matter what is going on with the business here, I have the feeling that everything at this point is only preparing me for what is going to happen in the future. I don't know if the busienss here will ever work, but i try to learn as much as i can, to see what things i would change and how i would do it. So thats where we are now and let's see what will happen 

Ah and let me also add that i really built my bike.. and i kinda have a feeling that i want to use some bike-building skills in the future.. maybe a 'pink fixie' brand name... who knows

  So the earth has decided that i am now 28 years old... pretty brilliant..... i have survived my own stupidity and the stupidity of others up until this point, congratulations me. I still feel and look like a child, but what better way to live your life, children do seem to have a lot more fun then adults anyways and in many ways i know i live in my own world, with the simple things that make me happy, my lack of desire for material possessions and money and the dear humorous friendships i have built.

A lot has changed for me this year. If i look back on what i was going through and how i was feeling last year, things are very different and so much is new. I knew that leaving Serbia to come to Graz woul be a big change just from the outward physical perspective. What i didn't realise was that this year would challenge me a lot to get in touch with my spiritual side again, think about who i am and what i really want. I still have a lot of discovering to do and i finally got the courage to ask my co-workers to let me take 2 months off to go to Asia at the end of this year. I know that i need to get out of my workaholic life and connect again with myself. I feel that if i am always surrounded by work and the possibilities to work, i will never fully let myself go, i will always be scheduling new work for me to do. 

I figured out that I don't ever go easy on myself when it comes to expectations and work, I always seem to fill every available space of time with duties... and if i cannot manage it i feel very upset and disappointed. This trait has always been with me, and its one of the things this year that i want to lose. Its a lack of respect for mind and body to push yourself so hard, and as i have learnt the hard way, its only hurts you. We all need to be easier on ourselves, mistakes are part of growth and i make plenty of them. One of the reasons why is simply because I try a lot of new things, i push myself and expect a lot in return. In order to help myself to work less, i have quit my job as a waitress in ERDE, even though i loved it very much and had so many good times here. I knew that working 60 hours a week was only going to tire me out beyond repair and something had to change. This job gave me security and a close knit group of co-workers, and i enjoyed it so much. However you have to think about the big picture and what you will be going towards if you keep something up that is bad for your health. In this case it was not ERDE, but excessive work that was killing my mind and tiring my body.

So recently i did a 24 hour race, the last 2 months i have been cycling a lot and the opportunity came to do a race with my colleagues from ERDE. My biggest fear was getting lost on the race track, yes even though I am a bike messenger, i am often very uncoordinated with direction and lack of orientation. THIS WAS NOT AN IRRATIONAL FEAR, as i was about to find out. My dear teammate looked at me and said emphatically 'Anna.... it is literally impossible to get lost on the race-course, there are signs everywhere', I shouldn't have believed her. So there i was, one little idiot wearing my tightest biking clothes, nerves on edge waiting at the starting line, as soon as my team mate finishes his first round i begin... first move... the wrong move... i immediately turned to the wrong side.. avoided the oh too obvious barrier and began to ride the wrong way on the race track. I was alarmed for sure, feeling i had done something wrong, but the people standing on the sides of the tracks just looked at me with raised eyebrows and a quizzical expression. For sure no one was meant to go that way.... but if someone was doing just that, then i expect they thought i must have a damn good reason. As luck would have it (and i mean bad luck), i managed to ride a good 3-4 kilometres and one large hill before i spotted a group of about 15 cyclists coming not behind me but in front of me.. then i realised that i was really in the wrong place. Panic and unbelief... lots of 'FUCK MY LIFE' thoughts... but what could I do.. i turned around and went back.. of course i passed the finish line.. except i had not finished anything but being stupid... the public cheered me on.. and for absolutely no reason. Needless to say the pain i felt inwardly was real as i finally got on the right track and began to ride the race for real. Despite the initial problem i rode the rest of the race in good form and no one even mentioned that i had made such an obvious and rather impossible error. Of course the voices in my head could not leave me alone.. and i spent a good portion of the next day regretting my life in its entirety and promising myself that i will begin to eat more food that's good for the brain... 

What i learnt from all of this, is that I am one of those kind of people, funny stuff happens to me all the time... and i have to embrace it. When i told the other cyclists that i had gone the wrong way on the race track they laughed a lot but also were puzzled 'how???' they asked... it was indeed difficult to go go around the barriers and clearly not the right route. I can only shrug my shoulders and admit that I have to laugh at the shenanigans i get up to, life would  be so boring without them. Instead of desiring perfection i realised for me that the experience is what counts. Ever since i was a little girl i wanted to be so good at something, i tried many things, i was dancing, managing a bar, trying to be a bike mechanic, trying to do graphic design, playing guitar and singing and much much more... i always seemed to have problems and make some crazy errors.... however all of those are good experiences that add up to making life funny, interesting and marvellous. 

I don't think we should desire to be so good at anything unless its coming naturally to you to do just that. If you are like me and put your energy into many areas you may have to accept that you will always be ok at many things and never really specialise... Accepting and appreciating ourselves and knowing that we are enough just as we are is the medicine we need to be thankful with our own situation and be happy. If you clear away all the silliness in life, being happy is all that we want and what matters. I know i could be the best cyclist in the world but if i was not satisfied with myself and not happy in my life.. it would really be empty to me. I had a lot of trouble with myself these weeks that i have been working as a bike messenger. I felt angry when i could not accomplish as much as the others, i even broke down in tears after my shift when i felt i had not done well enough. What the hell is good enough anyways??? if you are someone like me, you will understand that it is never good enough for the little demons inside of your head. Instead of being upset, try to understand that its your life experience, find it funny, as funny as you can, and accept yourself. Every time i ride i thank my body for doing what it does... i tell myself that its amazing i can do it, i look at my legs and i am amazed at their strength and i am thankful that even though i smoke so much, my lungs are pushing out and processing air so fast. I thank my brain for remembering streets and i forgive myself when i make a mistake.. i try to remember its all part of learning and its really the fun part... the part where you make some memories, do some silly things and get those stories that you will one day tell your kids. 

I will finish this post with saying that this last year brought me many gifts and the greatest of these was the person that i am in love with. I found a true soulmate, who understand me and makes every day of my life filled with love. For this and for all the love in my life I am really grateful