Thoughts for the Road

So guys I am preparing to go now to Graz, leaving at 10am tomorrow morning, my bags are packed, things in Novi Sad are ready to run, and now it’s just me that is not sure I am ready for this big change….. It is exciting.

The start of CE in Graz has been in the cooking pot for 2 long years, the team of CE has faced many a challenges, we have thought, prayed, tried, worked and prepared every day to get towards this goal. Some people tell me that because of starting the one in Novi Sad, I must not be afraid of this new challenge. Let me tell you that is not the case. Do we ever lose our fear? I think in some ways we learn how to handle it, but it’s still there, that knawing feeling that perhaps you will fail.. and then what will everyone say… then what will everyone think… and more importantly… how will I feel, what will I say, what will I think.

I read a quote that said… ‘Once you trust yourself you will have learnt how to live’. I never quite got a hold of that one yet, I still doubt myself every day in so many ways. I think of it like working out… you can run up a huge hill… it will be easier the 2^nd time round, but it doesn't mean that it won’t hurt or that you won’t be tired, it doesn't mean that it wont require every ounce of strength from inside your body and soul.. it doesn't mean that you will believe that you can do it. Every time I work out I am in pain, I think it’s the same thing with conquering your fears, it does get easier in some ways, but if you are pushing yourself to your limits, it will still stretch you and still cause you some real pain.

What are my fears regarding Graz?

I am afraid that it just won’t work, I am afraid of myself not having the necessary skills, I am afraid of not having the will-power or mental strength to get over every challenge, I am afraid that I will fuck something up and ruin something for the rest of the team, I am afraid that we won’t be accepted in the city, that no one will come to CE, that we will have legal problems.. and blah blah blah…

Why am I telling you my fears?.. Why am I writing them down or even voicing them?. Because I want to make a point. These fears sound strangely familiar, like old friends they greet me at every turn in the road. It almost feels like as soon as I am about to head off on a journey, I turn to go and they are all waiting for me at the door.. with all their bags packed and a big smile on their faces saying ‘are you ready to go, because we are’. I remember when we were starting CE in Novi Sad, how terrified I felt of failure. I would go to the Danube and sit on the ledge, put on music and close my eyes and pray as hard as I could… I remember telling my boyfriend ‘What if no one comes?’. After time passed, my fears were obviously unreal, some of them unbelievable and funny. I have a tattoo on my foot that reads ‘Fear is Fiction’. It is a fictional story we tell ourselves, we make up the reasons why things won’t work, we run over them again and again, and like a child might believe in Santa, we believe our silly stories and scare ourselves.

True courage is to face your fears. I am not a strong enough woman to live without them, I know that I will doubt myself, I know I will sometimes lack faith in my goals and in who I am, but I also know I will carry on. I need to throw my heart into everything I do, regardless of what happens; I just have to know that I did my best, that I gave 100 percent in every single task, and to be proud of my own commitment, effort and determination. Try or Die guys… every single day… try or die.