Pretending to be….life lessons on making bikes, ego, and who we pretend to be

Today I completed the building of a bike that I had been working on for around 4 months (yeah I know how slow I am). I started trying to learn more about bikes the last couple of years. I guess I really wanted to be good at it, because I thought it was cool… also I do love cycling, but I thought the idea of a girl bike mechanic was very cool. The problem with trying to do something only because you think its cool is that its not actually following your real passion and skills, of course I think we grow in everything we try to learn. However if you are not truly passionate and are only doing it for the name… it really cannot go further then a certain level. You cannot fake passion, I have recently seen that my desire to make  bikes, stems a lot from ego, self-absorption and a desire to appear something good before other people. How did I come to this conclusion? I saw that in making one bike, 4 different people had to assist me greatly, I couldn't actually bring myself to do it all myself, then I post my bike on facebook… its like… yes I did it… well yes, but with a LOT of help.  I know I always want to be good at things when I see that others are doing them well, I feel like its so cool… why can’t I learn it too. I think my hunger for learning is a great thing, but sometimes the motives behind it are kind of ego-related.

I have tried to learn and be so many things in my life, sad to say, most of the time it was not for me, to make me happy, or to be a good person. It was a lot of ego, because I wanted to appear a certain way to others, I always had a really strong fear of people not liking me. When I studied at college I was the most hated girl in the whole college, no one liked me and I had no friends at all. I think from this and from some childhood roots, I gained a really strong emotional attachment to the opinions and thoughts of others. Someone elses compliments or criticism could ruin me or build me to an incredible level.

 When we break down ourselves and think about it.. how crazy can we be to base our feelings on someone.. when they themselves are so unstable, their thoughts change as do their actions, how can we allow them to sway us or to damage or to uplift us?

I have recently come to see that to truly follow our passions, we must be true to ourselves, be true to what we want, what we really think about something. We need to get away from doing things to be cool, but to do things that are right… from the inside out. I won’t be stopping learning about bikes, because I am interested, but I have to admit, I am far far far away from ever being able to call myself a bike mechanic or to say that I know something about bike repair and making bikes. My knowledge is rudimentary and so are my skills.. and that is ok, because I am in a position where I am learning and growing everyday, I am learning when all those other people help me put together my bike, I am watching and yes I am doing what I can. However I am no expert… I may never be, today I learn… tomorrow…. who knows. 

Its really ok to not be good at something, to be a beginner, to be dumb sometimes, to not get things, but I think we have to admit it more. I often tell people a lot of stories about who I am… ‘Oh I own a business…’… ‘Oh I repair bikes’… ‘Oh I used to be a dancer’… yeah there are truth in all the things I say about myself… but I don’t feel ready or qualified to say that I am really able to do those things perfectly yet. I learnt that if you tell people an uplifted story of yourself, if you brag and exaggerate about who you actually are… you cannot learn properly. Because imagine this…. Let’s put it on simple terms… you go to school and tell the teachers you are sooo smart, you are a genius (but really you are normal intelligence), you tell them how you did this and that… they think… wow… and put you in the hardest class… its too hard.. your learning jump was too high… you will sit there and not understand a word of what is being said. We should be on the level we are supposed to be, then when people give you advice, or when you get stuck in a situation where you have to explain yourself or really give some proof of your knowledge, you won’t be shitting your pants, because you were bullshitting everyone the whole time and actually you are bullshit. None of us are bullshit, we are all something great, but what I really am is who I want to be.

I know that I am not an expert in anything, I can accept it. I know I am no business genius, not an amazing entrepreneur, not a mathematical mind, I am not building an empire. I am not putting myself down when I say these things, because I do know who I really am. I understand that I am really working on myself, from the inside to the outside, I know that I am someone who can contribute and who can make peoples lives better, I know that I am able to do many, many things… because I am willing to try, I am brave.. I am all those things and I can back them up, because it is really me… and I am proving it every single day.  I know that with all the things I can do, all the things I am learning, all the things I really and truly am, at the core of me I have enough. 

Think about this… if they stripped you down naked, took away all your frills, props and accessories. If you had to be real… with nothing on you at all, except all that is in you. What would you be? And who would you be? Because without all this hipster, biking, tattoo, business, designing, dancing, artistic pile of shit stuff that I own and that I have on me… I know that what I am without it all is what really counts… I am a small person, I have not always been good, I have not always been right, I am a very small person, just like everyone else, but I am trying, I am here today because I am trying to move forward and to make this life the best it can be. I hope that I never forget it.