Oh its been almost 2 weeks since i wrote anything, the nice thing about this is that it means that i did not have a chance to get properly online... which can only mean i am out of my old world and fully into this reality of traveling and exploring.
I was one week now at a meditation and yoga retreat close to Siem Reap. I think this has been the first time in years that i have felt truly peaceful, relaxed and started to get deeper with myself. One of the core principles of the retreat is that it a digital detox, no phones, no Internet for 6 days... although i did cheat to write Tom, i tried to stick to it. Its amazing how when you go out afterwards you notice how people are constantly staring at their screens, even while talking to their friends or anyone. Its interesting when you start to kind of wake up and notice that no one is living in the present, everyone seems to want to be somewhere else... with someone else.. and then when they are with them.. they cannot be there either.. I do this too.. when i am in Asia i check FB of my friends back at home, and when i was there.. i dreamt and thought about here. The cure is to bring ourselves into the present moment.. take a look around you, appreciate the beauty, love with your heart in this moment, and do not worry abut the future.. appreciate yourself and those around you right now. The future does not exist... all we have is the now.
I will have to write a whole post about the retreat, but this computer is so bad and its very hard for me to type. So instead of sharing everything that is going on, i just want to share with you a beautiful little moment from last night that really touched my heart.

So yesterday evening me and a friend went out for dinner, there was a small funfair and street food market and we sat down to eat. A little Khmer girl came up to us with her hands outstretched begging for money. She looked so sad and lost, she was about 8 or 9. I didn't know what to do, because even though i hear its not good to give the street kids money, i always want to give them something. The thing was i only had 100 dollar bill so it was not going to work. So i invited her to eat with us, she immediately accepted and sat down at the table, eating the bowl of noodles in seconds, sitting quietly and politely. We bought her a drink and her face opened into a huge genuine smile, she tried to talk a lot to us, but we didn't really understand. After drinking her juice she did a huge burp and burst out laughing the cutest laugh, which made us laugh too. After we finished dinner, she took my hand and walked silently with me through the fair, we occasionally looked at each and other and burst into huge smiles... love is a language everyone in the world understands and appreciates. We bought her candy floss and it was the sweetest pleasure to watch her enjoying it. When we had to go, i reached down to her and she fell into my arms with the most complete hug, she put her head on my shoulder as we hugged tightly for at least a minute. As usual i got emotional and had to fight back tears the whole way home.. Giving and receiving sincere love is far more valuable then money, so often we want to get or give something material, but love and attention are so so priceless. She is always going to be in my heart and I am sure that she will remember us too.
So i have more to tell, unfortunately this computer is pretty rough to type with , so i will say goodbye for now, more details coming soon

Its gonna be hard to record everything here, because after 3 days of cycling i have felt so much.

My emotions on this trip have been going crazy. It has to be the loneliness and more solitude adventure I have ever done. The little diary of the bike ride is full, full of my thoughts and interpretation of the events and my surroundings.
Exiting Bangkok felt scary, i was totally alone, i was on a bike.. and i was a girl.... now we know that does not have to mean anything. However when you are a woman you have so many more things to worry about then guys. While for most of your life you are told to worry that no one will want your vagina ever, when alone your worry would be that someone will want it.. and that you wont want to give it to them. It in general causes you a lot of problems, its a very hazardous body part. I do not know how men feel when sitting on a bike seat for hours.. like what does that do to your balls? but for vagina's its also no easy ride... then you can also consider that you have a time of the month where you generally just don't feel well and everything is out of control.. yeah so there are those things that affected me as well.
Anyhow i know you are grossed out now so you won't read further, but i mainly write this blog for myself, so i continue.
So exiting Bangkok was a really big and busy road, trying not to die was a goal, and i succeeded. I realised quickly i was the weakest thing out there, the most vulnerable and tiny person on the most vulnerable and tiny vehicle. It was not countryside, it was not rural and it was not as cute as i imagined. When i arrived the first day in the place i would stay, i immediately felt overwhelmed by the loneliness. It was a cute little resort about 60k out of the city, but i was the only person of my kind there.. i mean foreigner and alone. I was so hungry and tired and went to walk around the city which was very overwhelming, big and dirty. I began to regret my choice to do this alone and wonder what the hell i was thinking.. first tears... everyone who knows me knows that i cry.  I am a cryer, emotional overloads and common and i accept the tears. I felt like giving up and taking the train back to Bangkok, waiting for Tom to arrive and staying in his arms forever and ever. I also had really really bad jetlag.. i could not sleep the whole first night till 4am.. imagine i had been there from 3pm.. trying to sleep from around 8pm. I have to say thank you to Max for putting the movies on my tablet, which made it a little more bearable, as i had already read my book from cover to cover and there were no shops to buy a book in English. I felt so so lonely, but in a way i knew i wanted it. I craved solitude and i was getting it.. it was hurting but it was good. The next morning i thought about what to do.. either continue or give up.
I decided to continue. with only about 6 hours sleep in 3 days, i felt like i had been partying all night and then tried to ride. But with ever pedal stroke, i felt confidence returning. Joy rushed over me and i let my thoughts take over and kept myself company the whole day. I realised that the bike ride was pretty much a story of my whole life. I could have it easy,  i could go to a beach, i could rest, i could relax and take a train. However i just cant do that, i always pick the tough way, the lonely road, even though it hurts me a lot and feeling alone has never been easy for me, i am a social creature and love people very much. On the second night i was again in a very deserted spot. Hungry and tired i tried to find food. This was a very funny experience. Almost the whole trip i have been eating vegetables and rice... because in the little villages they have mainly meat things. So when i tried to explain i was vegetarian and they brought me 5 plates of different meats.. i almost started crying again (cry baby). I had better luck at the next little food stand and got my vegetables and rice. This night i finally sleep well... i cant tell you how good it felt, i awoke the next morning with courage for  the next day already at my side.
I wrote this in my diary 'I am having a lot of emotions, i know that's why i do this.. to feel alive, to cry, to genuinely smile, to feel fear and questions, to feel lost, surprised, humbled, honoured, proud, faithless, trusting.. to feel the air in your lungs.. the cold water against the heat... the pretty and the ugly.. its all there if you dare to take it'. I am never gonna forget the things i went through here.
I cycled to Kabin Buri and wait to take a train to the border... i have a three hour wait and i am quite the spectacle for the locals. For one being the whitest thing around and being alone and being on a bike. The cutest group of locals take me in as their own. They buy me food and try to talk to me, funny.. they all add me on FB... i do not understand how they all have FB.. they are these older street food vendors... but they are intrigued by my FB photos. You see by now i am red, sweaty and disgusting and they just can't believe that the photos on my FB page are me.. :) they keep giving thumbs up and saying... beautiful...
The guy from the food stand insists on paying for me and my bike's train fare... i try to refuse.. cus i have more money, but they wont let me. They are always gonna be in my heart, so much kindness.
From there I arrive at the border, I stay the night in a very nice small hotel... the fanciest place till now. It was 2 beds and even a free pack of condoms.. they stayed unopened :)
I now had a decision to make about if i continue by bike or if i should go on by foot. I realised that my bike wheel had gotten really fucked up, not just a popped inner tube but it was totally ripped. I think about just fixing it. The hotel owner is a super kind dude, he speaks good English and when i ask him if he thinks i should sell the bike or ride it into Cambodia, he offers to help me sell the bike. I am kind of taking it as a sign but i still feel like i would be a disappointment to myself if i stop. Then my stomach feels funny, after the weirdest breakfast at the hotel i immediately throw up. However i don't feel that sick. I kinda take it as a sign, that from here i will leave the bike. The hotel dude volunteers to drive me around this morning to find somewhere to sell it. It's a really funny experience and eventually we do find someone to take her.. for half the price. Still I am happy with it, i never expected to get it all back. Its sad for me to say bye to my bike, for three days it was the only company i had. We couldn't have done it without each other, and now its life will continue without me. I almost cry when i say goodbye to it (crying again). The guys from the hotel drive me to the border for free and i set off with just my backpack, I feel comfort in the aloneness now.
Soon i am hustling past the hustlers and into the border. No one bothers me and i get past customs no problem, Cambodian visa goes into my passport. I meet now three french travellers who are so sweet and go with me in a taxi to Siam Reap. I am now staying at the Flashybackpackers hostel. On arriving here i realise there will be no sweet loneliness to cling to anymore, i am surrounded by tourists. The hostel room has about 50 beds in one room, a pool, a busy bar and English tourists flocking around... or should i say fucking around. Its another culture shock... to be surrounded by business after the quiet is really bizarre... but here i am. I finally have a computer and i can write this all down.
One thought that i wrote in my diary stays in my mind 'how you feel will change.. soon'.. In all this I miss Tom every second of the day. He is my ultimate soulmate and i am so excited to see him in just 12 days.. :) for now that's all.
Pictures coming soon :)

I know its too soon to write another post, but because every single day is sooo freaking long and full i feel that if i do not write it down it will be forgotten with the highs and lows of the next day.
So here we go.
Preparation for my little cycling adventure is full underway. As i do not have bicycle bags, i must strap my backpack to my bike. I soon realise i have brought too many things to do this task properly. I did not bring many things, but i had some winter clothes on when i left Austria and now those must be left behind. I put them in a bag and leave a note for Tom at the hostel.. he loves me a lot so maybe hr brings them for me, otherwise i will arrive in the UK next month in shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt, i am OK with this.
My hosts here are just lovely. They try to help me to get ready in every way they can. They help me try to strap the bag on the back of the bike and offer to ride with me a little tomorrow morning to find the start of the right road.. that's a good thing, because this girl went the wrong way around the race track once and i have seen that getting lost is something i do.
I did my laundry in their little open kitchen, its so cute. I washed everything by hand and hang it to dry for tomorrow. There is something so beautiful in simple tasks that you complete with love and care. I enjoy everything i do these days, i want to appreciate each moment.
I also took the bike for a test drive and had 3 tasks to complete on my outing... i wanted to buy some food, painkillers and cigarettes. Everything looked really the same and i got a bit confused. I started to doubt my abilities to figure out this country. However i persisted, i first found the cigarettes (first things first) Then asked someone where to buy Pad Thai.. which has been my go-to food, as its vegetarian and delicious. The dude helped me out by pointing to the street stand i had passed moments earlier. I still couldn't find the medicine shop, but 2 out of 3 was good enough for me. On my way cycling around i was totally oblivious of my money slipping out of my pocket... the kindly chap at the coconut stand waved me to a halt and brought my attention to the misdemeanour with much passion. How honest and kind can you get? I also wanted to tip the lady at the Pad Thai stand... when i tried to give her more money.. she refused with absolute pride... no way was i treating her like that. She grinned at me and shook her head 'NO NO NO' she said, waving me away. You gotta have some respect for people that are so poor and yet do not want to take anything at all from you, only what is fair and right in their eyes. People of Thailand are polite and shy, they are honest and so far i have had only good experience with them.
So tomorrow i start cycling, lets see how that goes 

i like big butts

I really wanted to write a post before i left for Bangkok, it seemed like it would be good to see how i felt before and after arriving by recording my thoughts.. then i could be like...' haha i was so wrong'. 

It ended up that i left everything for the last minute, including going to the dentist... which i really needed to do. I decided to write the blog post and go to the dentist in Thailand... one of those two is straightforward and i guess we will see how the other one will go. If i do come back with a full set of golden teeth, you can just know that i finally got what i wanted.

My first impression of the airport and the whole trip was that it was not as culture shocking as i thought it would be. Its a very busy and hectic place, but still, its modern and people are polite and sweet.

my steed for the journey to Cambodia

Spinning Bear bike hostel

Making little plans

I had the good luck of chancing upon a sweet little gem of a place called the 'Spinning bear bicycle hostel'.. i caught sight of it on a cycling blog. Although i had already booked a hostel in the center for the first few nights, i immediately began messaging the owners. I mentioned that i was considering cycling from Bangkok to Siam Reap, and they offered to help me. When i arrived at the airport they picked me up and took me to their hostel, which was about 20k out of the city, but in a good location to start my bike journey, as there would be less cars. I was nervous about really doing a journey like this alone, especially with no experience of this country. As usual i throw myself into things and think about it later and it was not long before they were making phone calls and trying to find a bike that i could use, which wouldn't cost too much. within 2 hours of arriving i had a bike, i had a helmet, new bike gloves and was sitting in the spinning bear hostel with my map of Thailand and Cambodia planning my route with 'Im' (one of the owners of the place). She talked with me a lot about what it would be like and assured me that i would feel safe. 

I still feel nervous, i feel this trip has so many angles and sides to it. I am kinda in the sight-seeing.. walk around a big city like an idiot.. part. Then will come the face your fears bike part.. also a guess a lonely and solitude venture, plus plenty of adventure and unexpected situations. Then i am staying in Siam Reap at a meditation and yoga event, for one week i will be without Internet and staying in a little village, this will be the total relaxation of mind and body part. From Siam Reap i fly to Luang Probang in Laos to meet up with Tom (boyfriend.. soulmate dude), and i have to say i really miss him on this trip. I knew i needed to do some things alone in my life, but i can't help wishing that he was here almost every second, but i guess it makes the thought of seeing him in Laos so sweet and emotional. His brother (Maess) is also travelling down with him, so its going to be a lot of fun. After Laos we are all going to Vietnam together and chilling... from there the plan is kind of open but we must get to KLM by the 20th December because we fly together to England to see my parents and family for Christmas. After one week there we finally would return back to our lives in Graz, its a big holiday, big adventure and hopefully it will all fall into place.

Dan and Eyves

Now i am staying at a hostel close to the centre of Bangkok, so far its been really amazing to meet people and spend time with them. I met two very cool guys, Dan and Eyves (dunno if that is spelled right), we walked around the city all day today. It can be pretty exhausting as all day you are trying to not get killed, hit by a tuk tuk, or hustled into a ping pong show (which i have now realized
 is only barely related to ping pong). I am looking forward to my five lovely, lonely days of riding a bike to Siam Reap and I will keep you updated with all that I am doing in each place. 

Pink Days

I've been celebrating life recently. There are so many good things happening and also some crazy things... but altogether i feel amazed at all that is occurring.

I learnt so many important things this month and i think its time for a little reflecting.

So lets start with mesengering for the Pink Pedals, now i have been cycling with this company for about 5 months more or less. I wrote in the last post about how hard messengering had been for me. I feel i really suffered inwardly in the first few months, it seemed it would never get better. I felt like every day i was lost the whole day, then i felt stupid for being lost the whole day, and then i felt bad about feeling bad because i knew i shouldn't be so hard on myself. I felt like i was so unlucky and untalented.... i guess this is what we now calling the learning process.. or the fuck up stage. I see now how important that beginning difficult bit was, i see my improvement and how I hardly ever have bad days now. I appreciate this immensely.... i can only appreciate this fulfilment after the depressing and discouraging first months of sheer struggle. I respect myself so much more for trying so hard and not giving up, for being willing to look like an idiot (yeah that happens pretty often), i had to go through feeling like such a complete retard to be able to progress. If something really means a lot to you... keep trying, even if you are terrible. One day you will be proud of yourself. I cannot describe the joy that this job brings me and how immensely happy i feel after i have driven the whole day and i go through the jobs i did, the places i have been and all that i learnt. Every day is a new beginning and you never know what is going to happen in this job, its all a surprise, you never know which jobs you will ride, what the weather will be like or what kind of situations you will encounter. I love the unpredictability and how much you have to activate your brain constantly to be aware.

Speaking of unpredictability, I am kind of homeless again. I really thought this time of my life was over. However due to some interesting decisions on my part ( i didn't want to say bad), I gave up my room in my last apartment and then the new one fell through. I am still able to live with my boyfreind for one month and then i will be in Asia for two months.. but then i come back to Graz and need to right away find a place to live. All the situations i was in last year with no home give me some kind of calmness that i will of course find somewhere to live. Its not so bad anyways to be without a stable situation for a while, change is good and it makes us activate... seek for something better and also teaches us to be happy and sustainable with very little. Even though i really dislike to be between homes and always feel i need my space, i try to ask myself to enjoy the ride. I think it through and realise that something always worked out before and it always worked out perfectly.. so why not this time. Anyhow if any of my Friends in Graz do have a room to rent from January.. then let me know.
 
Culture Exchange in Graz is also bringing me much joy. Although we are still struggling in some ways and don't get much money from it, i have found many things to enjoy in my business. I have to say i have passion for cooking and baking.. i never knew i could do these things, and again.. like the messengering.. it was really pitiful in the beginning. All of my cakes would flop and turn out so flat.. i was the joke of the shop (which is probably still true). Somehow now i feel these things come naturally to me. I spent a lot of time dreaming up new cakes and recipes. I honestly can say that i have such an intense passion for it that i am very stalkerish with the first customers of the day. Be prepared for a very creepy cook if you do eat here, because i do stare intently at the person eating to make sure they like it and watch the nod of satisfaction and hear the 'Sehrrr gut' from them. You see.. anything that you put love into will work out somehow. 
The last month i also learnt a lot about being brave in communicating with people. The team of CE had some problems.. some old wounds that never healed and now that i look back on it i really think that there was a lack of understanding of each other. Through some rough situations we were forced to finally talk it out... argue it out... or whatever you want to call it. The communication restored unity to the team and it really makes a huge difference. Coming to work and holding a grudge against people you work with is such a drain... and i can see that the customers could feel it to. No one wants to be somewhere that the people who work there don't want to be. I know its so hard to really speak honestly, especially if you are like me and are easily intimidated, however sometimes its a life and death situation for your project.. and if you think about it you will realise that there is nothing to lose if its so bad already, the best thing you can possibly do is share honestly how you feel even if its upsetting.

Its exactly one year since the TEDx talk in Croatia... how amazing

I was trying to make a list of things I could do in the future.

I realise every now and then that I have no university diploma, I cheated on all my algebra tests in high school and I have nothing to prove my abilities in the form of paperwork of any kind.

Fishing back and forth between thoughts of going back to study or continuing down this path of activities with no real back-up or support system for the fture… ahh yes its been on my mind from time to time.

Every now and then I think I know what I want to do… I think perhaps I could be a midwife.. those  white dresses and delivering babies.. how heroic.. but then I think of all the blood and all the… bits and pieces i will see… and I think I will need more assistance then the woman in labour.. then I think a journalist would be a good idea.. I could study for that.. but already writing this blog tests my concentration and writing skills.. believe me I am stalling right this very minute. My brain leaps from one occupation to another.. the main problem with me doing any of those things is that I don’t like doing anything too hard for too long. This may seem very un Hollywood movie like.. when you see that all you have to do is work really fucking hard and persist to become a hero.  These two things.. working very fucking ha

rd… and persisting… I can do them both.. but i want to do that for so many different things, not just one. I am aware that there are many people like me, with brains that just don’t compute to the normal career driven path, who crave new experiences, people and ideas all the time, are you one of them? It would be interesting to know how it makes you feel.

We are now watching the Olympics, we see the best and strongest person glorified, we all watch in admiration and kinda dream of doing something worthy of a gold medal ourselves one day. I always wanted to be very good at something, so whenever I got an interest, I forced myself into it with a passion, telling myself that was my thing, then I got distracted with something else and began to work on that… all of this has resulted in who I am today, a collection of random and eclectic half leaned skills on my belt and I have to say I enjoy doing every single one of them when I do have the chance.

Its not so bad to be one of these kind of people, I know lots who are.  I watched a TED talk where someone talked about this and called us ‘multi potentialities’ and it really is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who cannot do one thing and one thing only

Also guys, its not so bad to be a bike messenger and its great to work with Pink Pedals, a really cool and young group with good energy and focused on cycling

I just want to say that if I am not getting lost now (not so much anyways) and managing to bring things to the right places… then for sure anyone could learn and do this job. The whole idea of being a messenger seemed counter intuitive to me, because I am very spaced out, getting lost…. Once I even got lost in my own apartment building… yeah and I'm kind of nervous and jumpy… not calm.. how can I say crazy in more ways?

Three weeks ago I was crying after my shift and I remember one of my friends asking me… ‘well why do you even want to do it so bad, it seems like its really hard for you and not that much money’. I knew though that I had to get through this hard part, the bit where I know nothing and I am always confused. I think I am now safely unto the next stage of learning, not from the complete basics but the improving what I already now know. I do not know why I always wanted to be a bike messenger, for me it felt like it was the coolest job you could do. I have to admit after I rode my first shift with one of the other messengers, I nearly died on the way, it was sooo much harder then I thought, but of course I pretended I was fine… fake it till you make it. After this I was not sure I could do the job, but with time and patience I see improvement.

My favourite things about this job are

1.       Getting to keep your body fit and train while you earn money

2.       The cool exchanges you have with the people you meet along the way, from the people in the businesses or offices to the looks you give people on the street, just a little eye contact telling someone they can cross in front of you, or letting them know you are passing through.

3.       The feeling of satisfaction when you find a new short cut or find a street you were looking for easily, when you try a new way and look to the street name and give yourself a virtual pat on the back when it’s the right one.

4.       The way that streets around the city begin to connect for you, when a friend mentions where they live and you remember that you delivered something there.

5.       The feeling of freedom and of course… pure exhaustion that comes from riding your bike as fast as you can for as long as you can

There are some thing I hate about it too.. such as a super early morning.. but on the flip side.. this can also be really beautiful and refreshing. I do hate being lost and really confused… but as I said before… with time this changes.

 Patience is the name of the game. When i was starting to work as a messenger, or at least when i wanted to begin, i read a quote that said 'A monkey in a suit is still a monkey'. This quote bothered me more then i can say. I didnt want to just say i was a bike messenger or a business owner or whatever else i was, i wanted to really be that, i wanted to be 100 percent genuine and walk the talk. I felt like i would never be able to do that and that i was that monkey in a cycling t-shirt, still a monkey, making a mess everywhere i went. Ah now i can look back and laugh, of course i am a monkey... :) but i am genuine in every effort that i make, i have persisted towards my goals and i am really doing everything i want at this point in my life.

    So an update on what is happening with Culture Exchange. Danny and Lani have made the decision to go back to the states, after giving so much time and effort for our baby in Serbia, they have brought the place back to life. It has lived another beautiful year and they did an amazing job. For thier family and other life goals they will be moving back to be with Danny's dad. Don't worry, Culture Exchange in Serbia is going to be continued, as our dear friends and people who we have worked with for years, Ana and Andy are taking over the shop, they will be putting thier unique colour and flavour into this business. It's amazing how many phases the business in Serbia has had, and its still going, its a really interesting story and it continues to develop. Our place here in Graz has its struggles, some are more on a personal level and others on a simply business level. We have been here one and a half years and its still only scraping by. We get very little money from its and its been a tough battle the whole time. Who knows what the future will hold, but no matter what is going on with the business here, I have the feeling that everything at this point is only preparing me for what is going to happen in the future. I don't know if the busienss here will ever work, but i try to learn as much as i can, to see what things i would change and how i would do it. So thats where we are now and let's see what will happen 

Ah and let me also add that i really built my bike.. and i kinda have a feeling that i want to use some bike-building skills in the future.. maybe a 'pink fixie' brand name... who knows

  So the earth has decided that i am now 28 years old... pretty brilliant..... i have survived my own stupidity and the stupidity of others up until this point, congratulations me. I still feel and look like a child, but what better way to live your life, children do seem to have a lot more fun then adults anyways and in many ways i know i live in my own world, with the simple things that make me happy, my lack of desire for material possessions and money and the dear humorous friendships i have built.

A lot has changed for me this year. If i look back on what i was going through and how i was feeling last year, things are very different and so much is new. I knew that leaving Serbia to come to Graz woul be a big change just from the outward physical perspective. What i didn't realise was that this year would challenge me a lot to get in touch with my spiritual side again, think about who i am and what i really want. I still have a lot of discovering to do and i finally got the courage to ask my co-workers to let me take 2 months off to go to Asia at the end of this year. I know that i need to get out of my workaholic life and connect again with myself. I feel that if i am always surrounded by work and the possibilities to work, i will never fully let myself go, i will always be scheduling new work for me to do. 

I figured out that I don't ever go easy on myself when it comes to expectations and work, I always seem to fill every available space of time with duties... and if i cannot manage it i feel very upset and disappointed. This trait has always been with me, and its one of the things this year that i want to lose. Its a lack of respect for mind and body to push yourself so hard, and as i have learnt the hard way, its only hurts you. We all need to be easier on ourselves, mistakes are part of growth and i make plenty of them. One of the reasons why is simply because I try a lot of new things, i push myself and expect a lot in return. In order to help myself to work less, i have quit my job as a waitress in ERDE, even though i loved it very much and had so many good times here. I knew that working 60 hours a week was only going to tire me out beyond repair and something had to change. This job gave me security and a close knit group of co-workers, and i enjoyed it so much. However you have to think about the big picture and what you will be going towards if you keep something up that is bad for your health. In this case it was not ERDE, but excessive work that was killing my mind and tiring my body.

So recently i did a 24 hour race, the last 2 months i have been cycling a lot and the opportunity came to do a race with my colleagues from ERDE. My biggest fear was getting lost on the race track, yes even though I am a bike messenger, i am often very uncoordinated with direction and lack of orientation. THIS WAS NOT AN IRRATIONAL FEAR, as i was about to find out. My dear teammate looked at me and said emphatically 'Anna.... it is literally impossible to get lost on the race-course, there are signs everywhere', I shouldn't have believed her. So there i was, one little idiot wearing my tightest biking clothes, nerves on edge waiting at the starting line, as soon as my team mate finishes his first round i begin... first move... the wrong move... i immediately turned to the wrong side.. avoided the oh too obvious barrier and began to ride the wrong way on the race track. I was alarmed for sure, feeling i had done something wrong, but the people standing on the sides of the tracks just looked at me with raised eyebrows and a quizzical expression. For sure no one was meant to go that way.... but if someone was doing just that, then i expect they thought i must have a damn good reason. As luck would have it (and i mean bad luck), i managed to ride a good 3-4 kilometres and one large hill before i spotted a group of about 15 cyclists coming not behind me but in front of me.. then i realised that i was really in the wrong place. Panic and unbelief... lots of 'FUCK MY LIFE' thoughts... but what could I do.. i turned around and went back.. of course i passed the finish line.. except i had not finished anything but being stupid... the public cheered me on.. and for absolutely no reason. Needless to say the pain i felt inwardly was real as i finally got on the right track and began to ride the race for real. Despite the initial problem i rode the rest of the race in good form and no one even mentioned that i had made such an obvious and rather impossible error. Of course the voices in my head could not leave me alone.. and i spent a good portion of the next day regretting my life in its entirety and promising myself that i will begin to eat more food that's good for the brain... 

What i learnt from all of this, is that I am one of those kind of people, funny stuff happens to me all the time... and i have to embrace it. When i told the other cyclists that i had gone the wrong way on the race track they laughed a lot but also were puzzled 'how???' they asked... it was indeed difficult to go go around the barriers and clearly not the right route. I can only shrug my shoulders and admit that I have to laugh at the shenanigans i get up to, life would  be so boring without them. Instead of desiring perfection i realised for me that the experience is what counts. Ever since i was a little girl i wanted to be so good at something, i tried many things, i was dancing, managing a bar, trying to be a bike mechanic, trying to do graphic design, playing guitar and singing and much much more... i always seemed to have problems and make some crazy errors.... however all of those are good experiences that add up to making life funny, interesting and marvellous. 

I don't think we should desire to be so good at anything unless its coming naturally to you to do just that. If you are like me and put your energy into many areas you may have to accept that you will always be ok at many things and never really specialise... Accepting and appreciating ourselves and knowing that we are enough just as we are is the medicine we need to be thankful with our own situation and be happy. If you clear away all the silliness in life, being happy is all that we want and what matters. I know i could be the best cyclist in the world but if i was not satisfied with myself and not happy in my life.. it would really be empty to me. I had a lot of trouble with myself these weeks that i have been working as a bike messenger. I felt angry when i could not accomplish as much as the others, i even broke down in tears after my shift when i felt i had not done well enough. What the hell is good enough anyways??? if you are someone like me, you will understand that it is never good enough for the little demons inside of your head. Instead of being upset, try to understand that its your life experience, find it funny, as funny as you can, and accept yourself. Every time i ride i thank my body for doing what it does... i tell myself that its amazing i can do it, i look at my legs and i am amazed at their strength and i am thankful that even though i smoke so much, my lungs are pushing out and processing air so fast. I thank my brain for remembering streets and i forgive myself when i make a mistake.. i try to remember its all part of learning and its really the fun part... the part where you make some memories, do some silly things and get those stories that you will one day tell your kids. 

I will finish this post with saying that this last year brought me many gifts and the greatest of these was the person that i am in love with. I found a true soulmate, who understand me and makes every day of my life filled with love. For this and for all the love in my life I am really grateful

Culture Exchange in Serbia has been open for four years

I came back for the celebration, taking the time to appreciate and respect the project that we started all that time ago. Clearly so many people have contributed to make this place what it is.... and i feel great pride in it, how we have grown up from the kids that opened it...we are still kids inside but we learnt a lot. There is a strong energy of love and teamwork here. I am such an emotional person and i know its only the love that i felt for this place and from this place that kept me working tirelessly on it for 3 and a half years, and to work so hard last summer to keep it open, reinvest and reinvent. Just being here a few days brings my energy up again, i feel the strength of all that we did here. 

What a beauty it is...for what it is.

It never made money, but it made an impact. It brought us through so many highs and lows, and it squeezed us all and pushed us inwardly and outwardly. It may not be success in a definable way, but its successful in the most natural way. It's still open, it still works. 4 years.. i could have never imagined in the beginning that we would be around this long. I have seen almost every local in the area around us change owners, places close and open here so fast. It may seem not a big deal to be open for a mere four years, but anyone who has lived and worked in Serbia will understand, its pretty outstanding. 

The setbacks that CE experienced and all the things that could have closed us were many. We even had almost all the owners (apart from me) deported from the country, our name smeared with negativity in the public newspapers, our window smashed by right wing nationalists, and death threats. The story got better with each turn, as we survived against the odds and thrived in our own unique way. The support from Novi Sad and from the people that loved CE kept it afloat in moments of doubt. Last year I had to close CE for 3months because of the financial problems, it was a hard moment to see the windows covered with papers stating that we would reopen in 3 months, clearing out all the furniture, drinks and other things, cleaning it for what could have been the last time and trusting the future would somehow be OK. I remember all the sleepless nights wrestling with what to do from that point..should we just close it? One year later and we succeeded to keep it open. The next chapter of CE is going to be interesting.. i will be writing about what the plan is,but for now you can know there will be some changes. One thing we all have to accept is that nothing stays the same, everything changes and we can always choose how we see these things. Whatever happens in the future, we can always look back on the last 4 beautiful years, and deeply appreciate the wonders of life and all that transpired here in little Novi Sad in Serbia.

I want to express deeply the thankfulness I have for all our friends here and the staff who have worked in CE. guys...i am so grateful to know each one of you and to have had the privilege to be close to you. You are the secret ingredient that made this place wonderful, and everyone added their own special ingredient. Every single one of you is priceless and i love you all a lot. I will never forget this country and each of you, and i treasure it. 

Here are some of my favorite moments from CE in pictures

 

             Messenger Lessons...

I jumped my  first hurdle to work as a bike messenger alone. My life here in Graz has been filled with so many new experiences and I always have to fight my own demons of fear and lack of belief in myself. I am lucky to work for Veloblitz, the coolest group of guys who showed me so much support and trusted that in time I could be a good bike messenger.

I first did my training day over one month ago. I chased Sava (one of the messengers) for about 6 hours, even though I felt strong enough to ride, I also didn’t know much of the city and was not sure where we were for almost the whole time.

  Its better to do something badly yourself then watch someone else do it well, I knew I had to take the leap and ride alone. I was so scared and worried about screwing things up, getting lost and fucking it up. In everything we do, fear is there, looking at us and we need to face it down and defeat it. I always experience a lot of self doubt in everything I did, despite my fear.. I always push myself and go through it. I got lots of good advice from each of the experienced messengers, mostly to have no expectations and to do my best.

One thing the job taught me was about taking each moment as it comes and not worrying about the whole day and how I am doing.. how much money I am making etc… It teaches you to be calm in stressed situations.. it makes you push yourself physically while you tune in mentally to the route that you need to ride. It makes you appreciate your body and all it can do for you, it makes you stand on your own feet, depend on yourself and trust yourself. My boyfriend (who is a messenger himself) gave me lots of good tips and also rode with me around the city to get to know it better, he always told me that I can do I t and that he believed in me.. but no matter what other say.. the battle is always yours and yours alone.. and perhaps greater then the battle to make it to each job on time, I fight my fears and work on trusting my instincts.

I have had lots of funny moments already, going totally wrong ways, getting lost and bringing packages way too late… what I call all of this is ‘experience’. That beautiful thing that sometimes is filled with blood, sweat and tears. Sure I was late so many times so far… but I also gained knowledge of the city and rode faster then I have ever done before. The funniest moment so far was when I thought a line on the map was something I couldn’t cross and did a serious long detour… only to realise it was a random line on the map and totally crossable.. it was distressing at the time and I thought I was very stupid.. but now I laugh at it and regard it as one my finest messenger moments to date… 

It’s cycling season, and now I strengthen my body and work on riding as much as I can each week, normally 3-4 times a week. Together with friends I formed a beginners cycling group ‘THE VELOBITCHZZZ’, and we cycle together as much as possible. 

There are lots of lessons abounding in my life at the moment. I choose to accept whatever life is bringing me with an open heart and strive to see it all as a path for growth. After the last time I rode messenger, I was very discouraged and wrote the Furwerk(head-quarter guys) to tell them I was sorry for my poor performance. They wrote me back that no one expects me to be amazing at the beginning and that they know I can be super fast. There is a great support here for trying new things, and everyone knows what its like to start and to be in my shoes. 

In every area of my life right now I feel like I am learning a lot, pushing into new things and as much as possible trying to be open and loving. This is in every area.. my work, my cycling, and my relationship, I feel like for so long I have been stuck in the convenient confines of my previous mindsets and lifestyle, now I am realising things don’t have to be the way I have always thought were ok. I don’t have to live by any other rules then my own, the ones I set and the way I want to live. This is giving me a feeling of responsibility, control over my feelings and my life and also confidence in myself, as I see my choices are good and my reasoning is clear and rational. 

One of my greatest concerns this year was that I would struggle through a big depression, similar to what I had last year. I kind of accepted that every year in the summer (I know it’s a weird time), I would get depressed. I almost waited for the depression to hit me and if I had a bad feeling in the beginning of the year at any time, I would get worried that the great depression had hit me early. I always thought perhaps I was a manic depressive and something was wrong with me.. I thought I might need to take medication and see someone who could help me when those feelings of sadness were very strong. I realise now that there was nothing wrong with me, I am a balanced and sane person, it was the stressful and capitalistic circumstances of my job and the world that I lived in that created those feelings and pushed me into a stressful place. The world around us forces us into depression these days, the constant attention on work and success, the lack of rest, sleep, enjoyment and simple play.

 The last years in the summer, CE in Serbia would always be out of money, I felt terrible stress and pressure, I also let the expectations of unrealistic and very uncompassionate people matter to me. I listened a lot to ideas of those who did not really care about me, but just had their own interests at heart. All of this I thought at the time to be reality, now I realise that it was all the reality that I created for myself. Although last year was an important time of learning deep lessons, and its almost always through rough patches and deep sadness that we grow and learn many things, I now live differently, at least a bit. Even though I still work very much, I have detached my sense of self worth from my business. I know that no matter what happens at CE, I am a wonderful person, the future of my business does not say anything about who I am.  

I think the way we are brought up and raised in this society is wrong in so many ways. Of course its easy to look at the problems with the world and criticise things and that’s not what I want to do. I do however want to challenge some of the mentalities and obligatory restrictions placed upon us these days and at least question why. Let’s go back to what I discussed a little earlier… attaching self worth to acomplishments… I always felt that I was what I did… that I had to do so many things and please so many people. Who is to say what we are meant to do with our lives, whether we choose to study, work, wander the world or do nothing for a while, we shouldn’t feel that we are less or more of a person or less or more worthy of love or life. We are always glorifying people that work hard and accomplish big things, but not everyone is meant to travel that path. Work these days is basically slavery in return for a few gold coins, it adds nothing to the personality, stresses, drains and squelches human spirit. 

About one month ago I had a serious stress breakdown. I was working many, many hours each day for months on end. In the beginning I felt really strong and like I could handle it. Typical to my character, I took on way too many things, and started to also invest time in my hobbies.. this meant that all day from early in the morning I was on the go. I rushed around all the time, I didn’t have time for friends which meant that my relationships with people were not on a deep level.. this is very troubling for me and gave me a lot of insecurity, because I am an emotional person and relationships of all kinds are very important to me. It was one Friday in the middle of my 17 and a half hour shift that I rushed home do a quick one hour fitness training. All of a sudden I felt a deep sadness and pressure in my chest and started to cry. I called my boyfriend, but I couldn’t talk to him, I just cried and cried.. I went to see him at his place quickly, but the tears didn’t stop and the pressure inside of me made me feel terrible. I felt like I was just a working machine, with no real friends or love, the stress had blinded me to the beauty of my life and my workaholic tendencies had caught up with me. 

I really got to thinking after this mental collapse… why had this happened to me.. when I had tried to think of why I was crying so much, I couldn’t name it. It was not one thing, but the stress and confusion of work that had done this to me. I think we are all far more beautiful and free minded people then we realise, we are stopped from thinking and acting freely by the materialistic system that literally fucks us as we are forced to enslave ourselves.. but I had learnt my lesson. I never took such a long shift again and I determined to spend more time cycling and doing things I enjoy, going into the sunshine and into the wilderness.. spending time with people who uplift me and make me happy. I have enough money to live, as I think most of us do.. but I am a workaholic and I don’t know yet how to say ‘NO’ when people impress jobs on me. I still need to learn to respect my body and spirit and its needs. More important then anything you do.. is you.. and if you are stressed and unhappy…it’s not worth it. Nothing is worth killing your spirit for. 

I also now challenge societies rules on sexuality, relationships and love… I am able to do this together with an amazing person, and we are going into a journey together to open our relationship to other people and experiences. I am writing this on my blog, because I think that this is such a big topic that scares almost all of us. We are all pretty fearful when we are confronted with relationship issues. I don’t know how much to write here, because it seems pretty off topic.. but its definitely part of my journey of openness, love and honesty.