Its gonna be hard to record everything here, because after 3 days of cycling i have felt so much.
My emotions on this trip have been going crazy. It has to be the loneliness and more solitude adventure I have ever done. The little diary of the bike ride is full, full of my thoughts and interpretation of the events and my surroundings.
Exiting Bangkok felt scary, i was totally alone, i was on a bike.. and i was a girl.... now we know that does not have to mean anything. However when you are a woman you have so many more things to worry about then guys. While for most of your life you are told to worry that no one will want your vagina ever, when alone your worry would be that someone will want it.. and that you wont want to give it to them. It in general causes you a lot of problems, its a very hazardous body part. I do not know how men feel when sitting on a bike seat for hours.. like what does that do to your balls? but for vagina's its also no easy ride... then you can also consider that you have a time of the month where you generally just don't feel well and everything is out of control.. yeah so there are those things that affected me as well.
Anyhow i know you are grossed out now so you won't read further, but i mainly write this blog for myself, so i continue.
So exiting Bangkok was a really big and busy road, trying not to die was a goal, and i succeeded. I realised quickly i was the weakest thing out there, the most vulnerable and tiny person on the most vulnerable and tiny vehicle. It was not countryside, it was not rural and it was not as cute as i imagined. When i arrived the first day in the place i would stay, i immediately felt overwhelmed by the loneliness. It was a cute little resort about 60k out of the city, but i was the only person of my kind there.. i mean foreigner and alone. I was so hungry and tired and went to walk around the city which was very overwhelming, big and dirty. I began to regret my choice to do this alone and wonder what the hell i was thinking.. first tears... everyone who knows me knows that i cry. I am a cryer, emotional overloads and common and i accept the tears. I felt like giving up and taking the train back to Bangkok, waiting for Tom to arrive and staying in his arms forever and ever. I also had really really bad jetlag.. i could not sleep the whole first night till 4am.. imagine i had been there from 3pm.. trying to sleep from around 8pm. I have to say thank you to Max for putting the movies on my tablet, which made it a little more bearable, as i had already read my book from cover to cover and there were no shops to buy a book in English. I felt so so lonely, but in a way i knew i wanted it. I craved solitude and i was getting it.. it was hurting but it was good. The next morning i thought about what to do.. either continue or give up.
I decided to continue. with only about 6 hours sleep in 3 days, i felt like i had been partying all night and then tried to ride. But with ever pedal stroke, i felt confidence returning. Joy rushed over me and i let my thoughts take over and kept myself company the whole day. I realised that the bike ride was pretty much a story of my whole life. I could have it easy, i could go to a beach, i could rest, i could relax and take a train. However i just cant do that, i always pick the tough way, the lonely road, even though it hurts me a lot and feeling alone has never been easy for me, i am a social creature and love people very much. On the second night i was again in a very deserted spot. Hungry and tired i tried to find food. This was a very funny experience. Almost the whole trip i have been eating vegetables and rice... because in the little villages they have mainly meat things. So when i tried to explain i was vegetarian and they brought me 5 plates of different meats.. i almost started crying again (cry baby). I had better luck at the next little food stand and got my vegetables and rice. This night i finally sleep well... i cant tell you how good it felt, i awoke the next morning with courage for the next day already at my side.
I wrote this in my diary 'I am having a lot of emotions, i know that's why i do this.. to feel alive, to cry, to genuinely smile, to feel fear and questions, to feel lost, surprised, humbled, honoured, proud, faithless, trusting.. to feel the air in your lungs.. the cold water against the heat... the pretty and the ugly.. its all there if you dare to take it'. I am never gonna forget the things i went through here.
I cycled to Kabin Buri and wait to take a train to the border... i have a three hour wait and i am quite the spectacle for the locals. For one being the whitest thing around and being alone and being on a bike. The cutest group of locals take me in as their own. They buy me food and try to talk to me, funny.. they all add me on FB... i do not understand how they all have FB.. they are these older street food vendors... but they are intrigued by my FB photos. You see by now i am red, sweaty and disgusting and they just can't believe that the photos on my FB page are me.. :) they keep giving thumbs up and saying... beautiful...
The guy from the food stand insists on paying for me and my bike's train fare... i try to refuse.. cus i have more money, but they wont let me. They are always gonna be in my heart, so much kindness.
From there I arrive at the border, I stay the night in a very nice small hotel... the fanciest place till now. It was 2 beds and even a free pack of condoms.. they stayed unopened :)
I now had a decision to make about if i continue by bike or if i should go on by foot. I realised that my bike wheel had gotten really fucked up, not just a popped inner tube but it was totally ripped. I think about just fixing it. The hotel owner is a super kind dude, he speaks good English and when i ask him if he thinks i should sell the bike or ride it into Cambodia, he offers to help me sell the bike. I am kind of taking it as a sign but i still feel like i would be a disappointment to myself if i stop. Then my stomach feels funny, after the weirdest breakfast at the hotel i immediately throw up. However i don't feel that sick. I kinda take it as a sign, that from here i will leave the bike. The hotel dude volunteers to drive me around this morning to find somewhere to sell it. It's a really funny experience and eventually we do find someone to take her.. for half the price. Still I am happy with it, i never expected to get it all back. Its sad for me to say bye to my bike, for three days it was the only company i had. We couldn't have done it without each other, and now its life will continue without me. I almost cry when i say goodbye to it (crying again). The guys from the hotel drive me to the border for free and i set off with just my backpack, I feel comfort in the aloneness now.
Soon i am hustling past the hustlers and into the border. No one bothers me and i get past customs no problem, Cambodian visa goes into my passport. I meet now three french travellers who are so sweet and go with me in a taxi to Siam Reap. I am now staying at the Flashybackpackers hostel. On arriving here i realise there will be no sweet loneliness to cling to anymore, i am surrounded by tourists. The hostel room has about 50 beds in one room, a pool, a busy bar and English tourists flocking around... or should i say fucking around. Its another culture shock... to be surrounded by business after the quiet is really bizarre... but here i am. I finally have a computer and i can write this all down.
One thought that i wrote in my diary stays in my mind 'how you feel will change.. soon'.. In all this I miss Tom every second of the day. He is my ultimate soulmate and i am so excited to see him in just 12 days.. :) for now that's all.
Pictures coming soon :)
My emotions on this trip have been going crazy. It has to be the loneliness and more solitude adventure I have ever done. The little diary of the bike ride is full, full of my thoughts and interpretation of the events and my surroundings.
Exiting Bangkok felt scary, i was totally alone, i was on a bike.. and i was a girl.... now we know that does not have to mean anything. However when you are a woman you have so many more things to worry about then guys. While for most of your life you are told to worry that no one will want your vagina ever, when alone your worry would be that someone will want it.. and that you wont want to give it to them. It in general causes you a lot of problems, its a very hazardous body part. I do not know how men feel when sitting on a bike seat for hours.. like what does that do to your balls? but for vagina's its also no easy ride... then you can also consider that you have a time of the month where you generally just don't feel well and everything is out of control.. yeah so there are those things that affected me as well.
Anyhow i know you are grossed out now so you won't read further, but i mainly write this blog for myself, so i continue.
So exiting Bangkok was a really big and busy road, trying not to die was a goal, and i succeeded. I realised quickly i was the weakest thing out there, the most vulnerable and tiny person on the most vulnerable and tiny vehicle. It was not countryside, it was not rural and it was not as cute as i imagined. When i arrived the first day in the place i would stay, i immediately felt overwhelmed by the loneliness. It was a cute little resort about 60k out of the city, but i was the only person of my kind there.. i mean foreigner and alone. I was so hungry and tired and went to walk around the city which was very overwhelming, big and dirty. I began to regret my choice to do this alone and wonder what the hell i was thinking.. first tears... everyone who knows me knows that i cry. I am a cryer, emotional overloads and common and i accept the tears. I felt like giving up and taking the train back to Bangkok, waiting for Tom to arrive and staying in his arms forever and ever. I also had really really bad jetlag.. i could not sleep the whole first night till 4am.. imagine i had been there from 3pm.. trying to sleep from around 8pm. I have to say thank you to Max for putting the movies on my tablet, which made it a little more bearable, as i had already read my book from cover to cover and there were no shops to buy a book in English. I felt so so lonely, but in a way i knew i wanted it. I craved solitude and i was getting it.. it was hurting but it was good. The next morning i thought about what to do.. either continue or give up.
I decided to continue. with only about 6 hours sleep in 3 days, i felt like i had been partying all night and then tried to ride. But with ever pedal stroke, i felt confidence returning. Joy rushed over me and i let my thoughts take over and kept myself company the whole day. I realised that the bike ride was pretty much a story of my whole life. I could have it easy, i could go to a beach, i could rest, i could relax and take a train. However i just cant do that, i always pick the tough way, the lonely road, even though it hurts me a lot and feeling alone has never been easy for me, i am a social creature and love people very much. On the second night i was again in a very deserted spot. Hungry and tired i tried to find food. This was a very funny experience. Almost the whole trip i have been eating vegetables and rice... because in the little villages they have mainly meat things. So when i tried to explain i was vegetarian and they brought me 5 plates of different meats.. i almost started crying again (cry baby). I had better luck at the next little food stand and got my vegetables and rice. This night i finally sleep well... i cant tell you how good it felt, i awoke the next morning with courage for the next day already at my side.
I wrote this in my diary 'I am having a lot of emotions, i know that's why i do this.. to feel alive, to cry, to genuinely smile, to feel fear and questions, to feel lost, surprised, humbled, honoured, proud, faithless, trusting.. to feel the air in your lungs.. the cold water against the heat... the pretty and the ugly.. its all there if you dare to take it'. I am never gonna forget the things i went through here.
I cycled to Kabin Buri and wait to take a train to the border... i have a three hour wait and i am quite the spectacle for the locals. For one being the whitest thing around and being alone and being on a bike. The cutest group of locals take me in as their own. They buy me food and try to talk to me, funny.. they all add me on FB... i do not understand how they all have FB.. they are these older street food vendors... but they are intrigued by my FB photos. You see by now i am red, sweaty and disgusting and they just can't believe that the photos on my FB page are me.. :) they keep giving thumbs up and saying... beautiful...
The guy from the food stand insists on paying for me and my bike's train fare... i try to refuse.. cus i have more money, but they wont let me. They are always gonna be in my heart, so much kindness.
From there I arrive at the border, I stay the night in a very nice small hotel... the fanciest place till now. It was 2 beds and even a free pack of condoms.. they stayed unopened :)
I now had a decision to make about if i continue by bike or if i should go on by foot. I realised that my bike wheel had gotten really fucked up, not just a popped inner tube but it was totally ripped. I think about just fixing it. The hotel owner is a super kind dude, he speaks good English and when i ask him if he thinks i should sell the bike or ride it into Cambodia, he offers to help me sell the bike. I am kind of taking it as a sign but i still feel like i would be a disappointment to myself if i stop. Then my stomach feels funny, after the weirdest breakfast at the hotel i immediately throw up. However i don't feel that sick. I kinda take it as a sign, that from here i will leave the bike. The hotel dude volunteers to drive me around this morning to find somewhere to sell it. It's a really funny experience and eventually we do find someone to take her.. for half the price. Still I am happy with it, i never expected to get it all back. Its sad for me to say bye to my bike, for three days it was the only company i had. We couldn't have done it without each other, and now its life will continue without me. I almost cry when i say goodbye to it (crying again). The guys from the hotel drive me to the border for free and i set off with just my backpack, I feel comfort in the aloneness now.
Soon i am hustling past the hustlers and into the border. No one bothers me and i get past customs no problem, Cambodian visa goes into my passport. I meet now three french travellers who are so sweet and go with me in a taxi to Siam Reap. I am now staying at the Flashybackpackers hostel. On arriving here i realise there will be no sweet loneliness to cling to anymore, i am surrounded by tourists. The hostel room has about 50 beds in one room, a pool, a busy bar and English tourists flocking around... or should i say fucking around. Its another culture shock... to be surrounded by business after the quiet is really bizarre... but here i am. I finally have a computer and i can write this all down.
One thought that i wrote in my diary stays in my mind 'how you feel will change.. soon'.. In all this I miss Tom every second of the day. He is my ultimate soulmate and i am so excited to see him in just 12 days.. :) for now that's all.
Pictures coming soon :)
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