The Good Life

 It's A Good Life

Life can be a pretty weird bundle of experiences and emotions.  

Do we ever get every area of our lives right? Somehow to me it feels like I have always been lucky in love, I’ve been lucky in love from every angle of my relationships with people, good friends, good people, a good man that I love dearly. It’s the other career areas of my life that confuse me and make me constantly question myself.

Here are some of the questions that are relentlessly come up in my mind, tell me now if any of these are familiar to you

'Am I doing my best with what I have?'

'Am I ever going to get my shit together and stabilize my life, have more money and have a proper defined career?'

'What will my future look like, what will I be 5 years from now?'

And yeahhh of course this one

'What the fuck am I doing?'

So I just want to reflect a little on that question, the one that is ‘What will I be doing 5 years from now’ because sometimes this one scares me, I think some other friends of mine may be confused sometimes about their future too… I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.. it could be one of those awkward moments where you admit something hoping to get the other affirmations to find that you are alone. Oh yeah should I mention now,  there is nothing wrong with being alone, in aloneness you will find time to reflect, you can figure out the most important things about the most important person in YOUR life…and of course that would be YOU.

5 years ago, I was working on opening CE in Serbia, actually it had just started, 5 years ago today it might have been open for a couple months. It was running smoothly and was a beautiful hive of activity. 5 years ago my life was different, 5 years ago I was different. When I reflect on the adventures that the last 5 years have brought me, when I see that choosing to live my life in this way (though sometimes it does not seem so much of a choice but a driving force), So much has changed, when I think of this I realise that anything can happen. You can change anything and create anything in any amount of time, it’s a matter of what we want and what we dream and what we want to create, hard work, faith and perseverance.

You know something about me, I am never satisfied. I am never ever going to be able to look at myself and think 'Anna... you are there... you are where you want to be'. I am always going to be one of those people that just can't settle down, settle up, settle for anything, settle at all... Sometimes i feel like taking myself by the shoulders and shouting 'WHAT DO YOU WANT??'
In all of this I take time now to appreciate the journey so far and to calm my questioning, unforgiving mind and admit to myself its a pretty good life.

Life in Graz… its pretty fucking lovely. Working with the crew from CE, it has its challenges for me personally, but that is part of life, what would it be with challenges and struggles. I have jobs that I love, I have people that I love.. damn it.. I have love. I am always going to be this person that leads from the heart. It bothers me sometimes when I see that my projects may create an impact but I still scrape by, saving for my rent and for the things I want. Do I need to make a choice to live either for what I want or to pursue stability? There must be a better way, a way for all those things to find their place; it’s my mission now to find that way.

But if not, if I cannot ever earn anything from CE, if I do end up sweeping streets or cleaning toilets, I will be happy doing it, I know I will.. I know whatever I do, wherever I am, whoever I find myself around… I may have struggles, I will always fight for what I want… but I know I will be happy.. Because above all else that is what I pursue, that is who I am and that is what I want….

What do you all think about this? Would you pursue love and happiness over material stability? And also… can you have both?

I also don’t feel I need much material stuff at all, it’s only when I look around me and see what others have got that I start to feel inadequate, so maybe the solution is.. less looking around and more looking inside.

There are so many good things to think about to appreciate.

1.       I am the lucky soul that gets to cycle as one of my jobs. Maybe I never really wrote in a proper post that Pink Pedals is a super lovely place to work. Bike messengering has made me proud, happy and strong. For one I get to wake up and get on my bike.. and know that I am not just riding to work, I am riding for work. Also this job has challenged me, and in challenging me has made me see that I can succeed when I try. It was tough for me to get acquainted closely with the streets of Graz, but now I feel like I know them like a dear friend, some days we are not quite in sync.. but when we are, we are very, very good friends.

2.       I live with some pretty amazing people in a super lovely apartment in a city that I always wanted to live in. 4 years ago I hitchhiked to Graz with Sanja (crazy artist lady), on arriving in the city we wandered up and down the streets, met amazing people and fell in love with the place… we always said one day we would love to live here. That day is today… and it is just a wonderful place to live your life, or at least a part of it.

3.       I met a real soulmate here In Graz, I guess everyone knows I am totally in love with this person. Saying he’s my boyfriend does not even get close to describing how sweet and deep this relationship is. We have so many things in common and have already had so many adventures together.

4.       CE is my own little baby, I can put ideas and creativity into the space and know that its mine.

It’s a good life, really it is, and if I ever complain, I will reread this post and remember… It really is a good life.

Ending A Chapter

Alright, now is the time to put together some thoughts about the recent events.. and also to talk a little bit about the past and a little bit about the future. 

CE in Novi Sad has closed. The beloved little coffee shop had been open for 5 years now and its really run its course. My emotions on the whole project remain very strong despite not being physically there for the last 2 years. For the time that I did live in Novi Sad and when I was running the CE, it was my whole life and basically the only thing I did or had time for. It was so enveloping as a project that I found it hard to do anything else, I never took holidays and I hardly ever had days off. All of the crew who have run CE since I have left know exactly how much effort and emotion the whole place took. One of the reasons why it was so difficult to keep going was simply the economic climate in Serbia, where the bills and expenses were high compared to the income the place could receive. Not wanting to make this solely a commercial venture, CE was always a community space. In other countries we could perhaps get funding for this kind of idea but we weren’t able to do that in Serbia for some reasons.  Looking back on the last 5 years I cannot say that this business was a failure. Indeed we lost money through this, as we put it, it was a big space in everyone’s heart and a little hole in your pocket. However looking at impact, social values, business experience, people that were helped, and the different ideas that have sprung out of the original root.. we have to give some credit to the venture, it may not remain open but it made an impact in so many ways.

I remember very clearly the first opening day of CE, more than 5 years ago now. I had nerves hitting the ceiling and I was so afraid of it failing in the first days or month. I remember just running off at night before the opening to go sit by the river and listen to music. My head was jammed with all the details of the opening and I was feeling so unable and like I was the last person in the  world who should be trying this. I remember thinking ‘why.. why did I have to do this, I am setting myself up to be super humiliated in this community, everyone is going to see it fall and just realise what an idiot I am’. Well the first weeks and months of CE passed and then years, new challenges presented themselves every step of the way, the fear of it not staying open past a month was gone, but there was always a different battle to fight.  The whole time I lived and worked in Serbia was the hardest time of my life so far, but also the most memorable. The struggle to work this business in this country was pushing me in every way. Those who know me well, know best the emotional breakdowns I had and how difficult this was.  I just want to clarify here that I was not the only person who started CE or who kept it running, there were so many people who participated and made the project run. The only reason I will talk now about what I went through is because I am writing it from a personal angle and I can only say the things its made me feel. I know that each of the original owners and every other person who worked at CE has every right to feel like the place is theirs and yes it is… anyone who has been to CE can understand and knows that it was all of ours and it made all of us feel something special . 

Many people have asked me how I feel to close it and see it closed, yes its sad… of course… but everything  comes to an end sometime and somewhere. We see it in nature and in our lives all around us. Goodness.. even we don’t last that long.. It can be kinda sad sometimes, but its also beautiful, knowing that from the end of one thing, you can let go and begin with something else.  Nothing material lasts forever, what I think will last and what I am proud of is the memories of all the good that happened in that one little space. I remember always thinking.. it’s a small room, but its got big stories.  I met amazing friends through CE, so many hilarious and heart warming moments happened there, I performed so many crazy things (even doing my Romanian magician show), I also saw so many great couples get together there, so many friends meet and relationships formed, some wonderful live music happened there, so many performers from all over the world were on that tiny stage, so many people presented their life stories there… so much more then I can even write down.

So the closing party was June 30^th, I walked into CE and immediately tears started, it was not that I was sad but that I was overwhelmed by everything that had happened. It was coming to end and that was the end of one chapter. Now its time to begin the next one. 

Andy and Ana have started a little café in the centre of Novi Sad called ‘Little Bits’, its like a tiny CE, if you are one of our customers and you are wondering where you can go… think no further.. it should definitely be your next hang out spot.. make it your regular coffee place.. it’s a business venture by a couple young people with real vision to make something nice for customers and staff. So support them in every way you can and the most important way is to simply show up and when you think of going out with friends for a drink… you know what to do.

Culture Exchange in Graz is still open, the 2^nd baby is alive and well.. Although only 2 years old and is very different from the first.. what will happen with this venture.. well.. only time will tell. 

 

Life, Love and CAKE

LIFE, LOVE, CAKE BABY

So this week I travelled back to Serbia, 3 days and a lot of people to see and spend quality time with.

I had the most Balkan ride from Vienna to Novi Sad. Two big Serb dudes and two ladies smoking a whole packets

of cigarettes… windows in the car up… and playing loud tambourashi music, singing under their breath to every song. Plenty of stops for buying new packets of cigarettes and drinking ‘duze espresso’.  There was no better way to re-enter the culture that I loved so much, after all it can’t be fully experienced without these very authentic parts.

Arriving in the city, it’s a grey cloudy day, trying to rain and looking sad yet beautiful. The colourless grey building projecting up into the sky, deserted balconies with no trace of life, a crowd of poor kids sitting on sheets of cardboard on the street, stray dogs that had seen better days wandering around outside of bakeries looking for scraps of anything edible. With all its natural gloom it welcomed me like an old friend and I always felt a touch of emotion walking back on these streets that I knew so well. At every corner there is something I know, some memory hidden there, like a treasure that I buried and can always uncover at the moment I pass it. Serbia looks very different to Austria, but beauty comes in many forms and its tall socialist buildings stand up straight and tall, unmoving and uninterested in the world passing by. I am constantly reminded that my whole life used to be here, everything that meant anything to me was in this city. I had built, loved, laughed, cried, created, and fought for many many things here. As if to remind me that I will never be a stranger here, I walked only 500 meters before someone recognised me and called out ‘Caio Anna’.. smiled and waved..

Culture Exchange in Novi Sad looks beautiful. Ana and Andy are the new responsible owners and it’s been growing and changing in many wonderful ways.  It’s always nice to be here, and I feel the love and sense of community that it has built. A big thank you to Andy and Ana for letting me stay with them during these days and also for keeping CE, and caring for it. I feel like all the time and effort that I put into CE has made a lasting effect and I can see that these guys who run it now also put this love and effort to make it run, and it works. It’s really a special place, when you come inside you immediately feel that you are at home, that there are good people here and you feel comfortable. It’s got an amazing positive energy, it’s almost unavoidable to be affected by it.  I do not know why the CE in Serbia has made this impact or stood for this long, we all invested a lot of ourselves in it, but like a great painting, all the people that put some colour into it made it what it is today, even those who just passed by and put some energy into it, all the original owners, all the staff that ever worked here, with their faith in this place they made it what it is today.

Even though I love it here in Serbia, I look forward to going back to Graz.  Lots of people are asking me if it’s better for me in Graz, if I have a better life. I have to say It’s very different, I have more security and more of a chance to save money, I have different friends, and different responsibilities. I feel like neither is better than the other, both were perfect for that time. I grew through each experience and I wouldn’t trade my time here in Serbia for any amount of money or anything else (candy). I learnt that everything has a time and a place and will fall into place with time. 

So let me tell you about my recent project with expanding CE into the cake-making business. I have been baking cakes for around 2 years now  and as always I think big, I am developing my skills and thought that a great way to progress would be to try to make more cakes. How to do this? Well creating small branch of CE for catering… and of course calling it ‘CAKE BABY’. First me and Medea (my partner in crime) wanted to call it ‘Sweet Little Things’.. tho after some thought we felt it did not fit us so good… taking inspiration from one of our favourite films we settled on ‘CAKE BABY’.  It’s still early days.. but give us some support and check out our page, give us a like and possibly a share.. and you could even order a cake if you are feeling really adventurous.. and you live in Graz. It’s kinda my recent ambition to create a wedding cake, I feel I need this to expand my skills. None of my friends seem to be too successful in love, so I don’t know of any weddings, but if anyone feels like doing something stupid and getting married.. let me know. 

      Palm readers and other Asian experiences

So one interesting experience that I had in Asia was getting my palm read.

Now I always find two kinds of reactions when something like palm reading or astrological reading comes up. Some people roll their eyes and have half a smile on their face when you tell them about it, they clearly feel it’s ridiculous and don’t take it seriously. The other half of people are super interested and curious, they would like to have their palm read and find it really fascinating. So I am more towards the second group but I also understand the first one completely. It’s not that I believe everything that is said, but simply that I am so curious about it that I would not be able to resist having my palm read, my future told or any of those kind of hocus pocus things that no one really knows if they have any roots in truth or not. 

So at the yoga retreat in Siam Reap there was a guest palm reader, a crazy looking fellow named Denis, he told us that he had spent time with the native americans learning palm reading. He was wearing my favourite style of sunglasses (very tiny John Lennon ones), he had a big smile and talked in simple child-like anagrams, I liked him immediately. He was kind of hosting the palm reading as a workshop for free and then afterwards you could request to get your palm read personally at another time. He was calling up different people and talking about their palms. It was not about telling the future or talking about your past, he was talking about your gifts and attributes, the strong points or weak points of your personality, the things that would make you afraid or bring you joy.  I am sure it was very interesting for each person when they were having their palm read, but if you were watching and listening to other peoples reading it didn’t really make that much sense. I kept putting my hand up to get picked, but no one chose me. Finally at the end he said he had time for just one more reading and I re-enacted my victory run from grabbing the bouquet at many friends weddings… and scored myself a spot up there.  So Denis got another friend of mine to come by and with a pen place a dot anywhere on my hand.  After looking at where she had placed it he said right away ‘well that clearly is dance, I don’t know if you did dance, if you are a dancer, or were a dancer, but whatever the case dance is your passion and its what you feel good doing and you need to do it to be happy’. I felt really touched by this because just the day before I had written down in my diary of the trip ‘I know I want to dance again’. Dancing has always been special to me and has always made me happy. I never felt I was very good at it even though I danced for many years, I always felt like I was not very talented and that it took me so much longer then other people to learn simple things. However if I take out the self judgment of my skills, I always knew that dancing had a special connection with me, I always had my own way to dance and it was good in its own way. Something interesting that Denis said about many people was how they need to do more things to just be fun and childlike. Its so interesting that often when we enjoy something or are good at it, we try to turn it into a business or take it too seriously, it takes the fun out of it. Then it no longer becomes the thing that brings us joy and instead becomes a source of stress or comparison with others. We all need to think about which things bring out our childlike laughter and happiness and do those things, and see them as a priority and an important part of our lives. If you lose the happiness and the joy in your life then what is the point, if you don’t know what makes you happy.. think back to when was the last time that you could not stop laughing or when something filled your soul with gratitude and happiness. 

Our whole trip in Asia was an amazing experience, with lots of little gems and hilarious, touching and crazy moments, I will have to write lots of posts with short stories from the funny things that have happened. Now i will just share my reflection on a few things. 

When I got back from Asia a lot of people asked me if I was sad to come home or if I was getting the travelling blues. Me and Tom talked a lot about how even though we loved our travelling times and all the amazing experiences it gave us, we were happy to return to our lives here. I met a lot of people while travelling that did not like their lives, that were escaping in many ways. They worked really pointless jobs or just didn’t feel good in the life they had created, it was for them a much more life-changing experience then for us. We realised that we love our lives, that we are really happy with many many things. Of course its not perfect and there are also lots of things that bother or make me want to change stuff. However when I think about my two jobs, CE and messengering.. I am so so thankful. I love both of them, I enjoy doing each and every thing in those jobs and I feel passionate about improving myself through them. 

 I did not feel that travelling really uprooted or changes my views on life, at one moment this kind of disappointed me because so many of my friends who had travelled had said how it had been the best thing they had ever done and how my life would never be the same afterwards.  I realised that I have travelled a lot already, lived in countries where I did not speak the language and been out of my comfort zone for years now, so the culture shock was not as sudden or destabilising. I was happy to know that the life I have created here in Austria is something that makes me happy and challenges me, I don’t need a lot to be happy, but I have a lot of things to be happy about.

Last year was a bit of a mixed bag, it had some pretty big moments in there for me but also it felt more calm and steady then my other years.  There was less inner turmoil and more peace and acceptance. This could be because I am in a relationship with someone who really settles and supports me, I know that many other years I was really having lots of emotional problems because of situations with guys. However I also stay alert, I don’t want my life to settle down in any way, I do not want to be satisfied or bored or boring, I really want to live 100 percent, to experience all that life can offer at the highest amount that I can get it. One thing I would like to stop doing this new year is putting so much of my energy and time into work. I do not mean working towards goals or activities that I am happy with, I mean working countless hours just to earn a little extra money which I do not need. My time is going to be the most valuable thing this year and I want to try to uproot some of my workaholic habits and replace them with strong pillars of working hard on myself as well as in a job or something that brings me money.  

I would like to progress in learning many things this year, for me progress would be to go forward slightly in some of those goals. Do one class or ask more questions about them.  However with the bigger goals such as learning German, or dancing again, I would like to actually go forward with them in a more determined way.

Here are some of the things i want to do this next year

1.       Make a concerted effort to learn German (go to A2 level, be able to hold a 15 minute conversation in German)

2.       Things I want to learn at least a little about: Bass guitar, Caligraphy, Art and drawing, teaching English, dancing, cooking, bicycles, design and photoshop

3.       Do one long distance cycling trip

4.       Improve in working as a bike messenger

5.       Improve my cake making skills, and figure out how to do more with this skill

6.       Save a little money and keep better track of financial things

7.       Strengthen my relationship with Tom and grow together as a couple

Oh its been almost 2 weeks since i wrote anything, the nice thing about this is that it means that i did not have a chance to get properly online... which can only mean i am out of my old world and fully into this reality of traveling and exploring.
I was one week now at a meditation and yoga retreat close to Siem Reap. I think this has been the first time in years that i have felt truly peaceful, relaxed and started to get deeper with myself. One of the core principles of the retreat is that it a digital detox, no phones, no Internet for 6 days... although i did cheat to write Tom, i tried to stick to it. Its amazing how when you go out afterwards you notice how people are constantly staring at their screens, even while talking to their friends or anyone. Its interesting when you start to kind of wake up and notice that no one is living in the present, everyone seems to want to be somewhere else... with someone else.. and then when they are with them.. they cannot be there either.. I do this too.. when i am in Asia i check FB of my friends back at home, and when i was there.. i dreamt and thought about here. The cure is to bring ourselves into the present moment.. take a look around you, appreciate the beauty, love with your heart in this moment, and do not worry abut the future.. appreciate yourself and those around you right now. The future does not exist... all we have is the now.
I will have to write a whole post about the retreat, but this computer is so bad and its very hard for me to type. So instead of sharing everything that is going on, i just want to share with you a beautiful little moment from last night that really touched my heart.

So yesterday evening me and a friend went out for dinner, there was a small funfair and street food market and we sat down to eat. A little Khmer girl came up to us with her hands outstretched begging for money. She looked so sad and lost, she was about 8 or 9. I didn't know what to do, because even though i hear its not good to give the street kids money, i always want to give them something. The thing was i only had 100 dollar bill so it was not going to work. So i invited her to eat with us, she immediately accepted and sat down at the table, eating the bowl of noodles in seconds, sitting quietly and politely. We bought her a drink and her face opened into a huge genuine smile, she tried to talk a lot to us, but we didn't really understand. After drinking her juice she did a huge burp and burst out laughing the cutest laugh, which made us laugh too. After we finished dinner, she took my hand and walked silently with me through the fair, we occasionally looked at each and other and burst into huge smiles... love is a language everyone in the world understands and appreciates. We bought her candy floss and it was the sweetest pleasure to watch her enjoying it. When we had to go, i reached down to her and she fell into my arms with the most complete hug, she put her head on my shoulder as we hugged tightly for at least a minute. As usual i got emotional and had to fight back tears the whole way home.. Giving and receiving sincere love is far more valuable then money, so often we want to get or give something material, but love and attention are so so priceless. She is always going to be in my heart and I am sure that she will remember us too.
So i have more to tell, unfortunately this computer is pretty rough to type with , so i will say goodbye for now, more details coming soon

Its gonna be hard to record everything here, because after 3 days of cycling i have felt so much.

My emotions on this trip have been going crazy. It has to be the loneliness and more solitude adventure I have ever done. The little diary of the bike ride is full, full of my thoughts and interpretation of the events and my surroundings.
Exiting Bangkok felt scary, i was totally alone, i was on a bike.. and i was a girl.... now we know that does not have to mean anything. However when you are a woman you have so many more things to worry about then guys. While for most of your life you are told to worry that no one will want your vagina ever, when alone your worry would be that someone will want it.. and that you wont want to give it to them. It in general causes you a lot of problems, its a very hazardous body part. I do not know how men feel when sitting on a bike seat for hours.. like what does that do to your balls? but for vagina's its also no easy ride... then you can also consider that you have a time of the month where you generally just don't feel well and everything is out of control.. yeah so there are those things that affected me as well.
Anyhow i know you are grossed out now so you won't read further, but i mainly write this blog for myself, so i continue.
So exiting Bangkok was a really big and busy road, trying not to die was a goal, and i succeeded. I realised quickly i was the weakest thing out there, the most vulnerable and tiny person on the most vulnerable and tiny vehicle. It was not countryside, it was not rural and it was not as cute as i imagined. When i arrived the first day in the place i would stay, i immediately felt overwhelmed by the loneliness. It was a cute little resort about 60k out of the city, but i was the only person of my kind there.. i mean foreigner and alone. I was so hungry and tired and went to walk around the city which was very overwhelming, big and dirty. I began to regret my choice to do this alone and wonder what the hell i was thinking.. first tears... everyone who knows me knows that i cry.  I am a cryer, emotional overloads and common and i accept the tears. I felt like giving up and taking the train back to Bangkok, waiting for Tom to arrive and staying in his arms forever and ever. I also had really really bad jetlag.. i could not sleep the whole first night till 4am.. imagine i had been there from 3pm.. trying to sleep from around 8pm. I have to say thank you to Max for putting the movies on my tablet, which made it a little more bearable, as i had already read my book from cover to cover and there were no shops to buy a book in English. I felt so so lonely, but in a way i knew i wanted it. I craved solitude and i was getting it.. it was hurting but it was good. The next morning i thought about what to do.. either continue or give up.
I decided to continue. with only about 6 hours sleep in 3 days, i felt like i had been partying all night and then tried to ride. But with ever pedal stroke, i felt confidence returning. Joy rushed over me and i let my thoughts take over and kept myself company the whole day. I realised that the bike ride was pretty much a story of my whole life. I could have it easy,  i could go to a beach, i could rest, i could relax and take a train. However i just cant do that, i always pick the tough way, the lonely road, even though it hurts me a lot and feeling alone has never been easy for me, i am a social creature and love people very much. On the second night i was again in a very deserted spot. Hungry and tired i tried to find food. This was a very funny experience. Almost the whole trip i have been eating vegetables and rice... because in the little villages they have mainly meat things. So when i tried to explain i was vegetarian and they brought me 5 plates of different meats.. i almost started crying again (cry baby). I had better luck at the next little food stand and got my vegetables and rice. This night i finally sleep well... i cant tell you how good it felt, i awoke the next morning with courage for  the next day already at my side.
I wrote this in my diary 'I am having a lot of emotions, i know that's why i do this.. to feel alive, to cry, to genuinely smile, to feel fear and questions, to feel lost, surprised, humbled, honoured, proud, faithless, trusting.. to feel the air in your lungs.. the cold water against the heat... the pretty and the ugly.. its all there if you dare to take it'. I am never gonna forget the things i went through here.
I cycled to Kabin Buri and wait to take a train to the border... i have a three hour wait and i am quite the spectacle for the locals. For one being the whitest thing around and being alone and being on a bike. The cutest group of locals take me in as their own. They buy me food and try to talk to me, funny.. they all add me on FB... i do not understand how they all have FB.. they are these older street food vendors... but they are intrigued by my FB photos. You see by now i am red, sweaty and disgusting and they just can't believe that the photos on my FB page are me.. :) they keep giving thumbs up and saying... beautiful...
The guy from the food stand insists on paying for me and my bike's train fare... i try to refuse.. cus i have more money, but they wont let me. They are always gonna be in my heart, so much kindness.
From there I arrive at the border, I stay the night in a very nice small hotel... the fanciest place till now. It was 2 beds and even a free pack of condoms.. they stayed unopened :)
I now had a decision to make about if i continue by bike or if i should go on by foot. I realised that my bike wheel had gotten really fucked up, not just a popped inner tube but it was totally ripped. I think about just fixing it. The hotel owner is a super kind dude, he speaks good English and when i ask him if he thinks i should sell the bike or ride it into Cambodia, he offers to help me sell the bike. I am kind of taking it as a sign but i still feel like i would be a disappointment to myself if i stop. Then my stomach feels funny, after the weirdest breakfast at the hotel i immediately throw up. However i don't feel that sick. I kinda take it as a sign, that from here i will leave the bike. The hotel dude volunteers to drive me around this morning to find somewhere to sell it. It's a really funny experience and eventually we do find someone to take her.. for half the price. Still I am happy with it, i never expected to get it all back. Its sad for me to say bye to my bike, for three days it was the only company i had. We couldn't have done it without each other, and now its life will continue without me. I almost cry when i say goodbye to it (crying again). The guys from the hotel drive me to the border for free and i set off with just my backpack, I feel comfort in the aloneness now.
Soon i am hustling past the hustlers and into the border. No one bothers me and i get past customs no problem, Cambodian visa goes into my passport. I meet now three french travellers who are so sweet and go with me in a taxi to Siam Reap. I am now staying at the Flashybackpackers hostel. On arriving here i realise there will be no sweet loneliness to cling to anymore, i am surrounded by tourists. The hostel room has about 50 beds in one room, a pool, a busy bar and English tourists flocking around... or should i say fucking around. Its another culture shock... to be surrounded by business after the quiet is really bizarre... but here i am. I finally have a computer and i can write this all down.
One thought that i wrote in my diary stays in my mind 'how you feel will change.. soon'.. In all this I miss Tom every second of the day. He is my ultimate soulmate and i am so excited to see him in just 12 days.. :) for now that's all.
Pictures coming soon :)

I know its too soon to write another post, but because every single day is sooo freaking long and full i feel that if i do not write it down it will be forgotten with the highs and lows of the next day.
So here we go.
Preparation for my little cycling adventure is full underway. As i do not have bicycle bags, i must strap my backpack to my bike. I soon realise i have brought too many things to do this task properly. I did not bring many things, but i had some winter clothes on when i left Austria and now those must be left behind. I put them in a bag and leave a note for Tom at the hostel.. he loves me a lot so maybe hr brings them for me, otherwise i will arrive in the UK next month in shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt, i am OK with this.
My hosts here are just lovely. They try to help me to get ready in every way they can. They help me try to strap the bag on the back of the bike and offer to ride with me a little tomorrow morning to find the start of the right road.. that's a good thing, because this girl went the wrong way around the race track once and i have seen that getting lost is something i do.
I did my laundry in their little open kitchen, its so cute. I washed everything by hand and hang it to dry for tomorrow. There is something so beautiful in simple tasks that you complete with love and care. I enjoy everything i do these days, i want to appreciate each moment.
I also took the bike for a test drive and had 3 tasks to complete on my outing... i wanted to buy some food, painkillers and cigarettes. Everything looked really the same and i got a bit confused. I started to doubt my abilities to figure out this country. However i persisted, i first found the cigarettes (first things first) Then asked someone where to buy Pad Thai.. which has been my go-to food, as its vegetarian and delicious. The dude helped me out by pointing to the street stand i had passed moments earlier. I still couldn't find the medicine shop, but 2 out of 3 was good enough for me. On my way cycling around i was totally oblivious of my money slipping out of my pocket... the kindly chap at the coconut stand waved me to a halt and brought my attention to the misdemeanour with much passion. How honest and kind can you get? I also wanted to tip the lady at the Pad Thai stand... when i tried to give her more money.. she refused with absolute pride... no way was i treating her like that. She grinned at me and shook her head 'NO NO NO' she said, waving me away. You gotta have some respect for people that are so poor and yet do not want to take anything at all from you, only what is fair and right in their eyes. People of Thailand are polite and shy, they are honest and so far i have had only good experience with them.
So tomorrow i start cycling, lets see how that goes