Our cycling trip from Graz began on the 18th of May, we are so far in Barcelona and heading towards Lisbon, 2000k is out of the way... :) 

 So what has happened in those 17 days?… actually it was only 15 of cycling… we decided to be kind of kind (actually it was really unkind) to our legs and take 2 rest days… ,more would have been better…. At some moments it did feel that  the whole thing was kind of exhausting. For me, in a way it has to be, to really appreciate the distance and the mountains, the weather, the roads, the bike… it has to be kind of difficult. Maybe I am at the core a workaholic in every sense, I enjoy to push and feel the burn of tiredness and exhaustion, although the paradox is that its ultimately untrue… I feel I do a good job when my legs are done. The truth is there is no job on a holiday.. its all for you… every day is yours and you can choose what you want, it seems I like to choose the hard way, it satisfies some part of me. Maybe one day I won’t need that anymore and just sitting on a beach, pure relaxation with no punishment to balance it, will satisfy me. For now, for the creature I am, I need to ride my bike hard and I need it to at some point feel like its too much, that it hurts and that I don’t want it anymore, except I know that I do, because no matter how much I hate the moment, I love the whole story of cycling a distance that could or should by some definitions be travelled in a different way. I love that we have travelled 2000k on a bicycle, the very machine that I partially earn my living with as a bike messenger, the very machine that puzzles me when I try to prove my mechanical skills, the very machine that I adore, love to look at, beautify, fashionize, idolise. I love my bikes… they get a rough ride sometimes with these kind of adventures, but they are there for me as a somewhat stable element in my life that is sometimes kind of turbulent. 

I remember about 5 years ago… a rough time, breaking up a love story, my emotions were everywhere, I felt no control, I was at one of my lowest points. My confidence was shaking so hard that I couldn’t pull it together, I was making mess after mess in every moment… what could I do? That was the question I asked a friend… she told me ‘you can ride your bike’ and so I did… to Milan… it was an emotional, lesson-filled journey. Then again scrolling back through time, 3 years ago… my whole world destabilised when I moved to Graz… I felt again thrown into confusion. I can’t write it all here, but when I say everything was going wrong… I really mean it, I was a mess, it was a mess, the only thing I wanted to do was ride my bike, but there was no time, 2 businesses needed attention. I decided to ride my bike from Serbia to Graz, I pretended it was simply a cheaper way to travel, in reality it was my life saver… please I just want to be alone on a bike for a bit. Now again as the years pass, at every opportunity I think about cycling somewhere. No matter how many times during the ride that I curse the road and hate myself for my impulsive ways, I know deep down that I love it and that its an important thing for me. 

So our journey so far was in some different parts

1. Graz to Trieste, which was in itself 346k, two days with three other friends joining us for the ride... up and down, up and down... a very hilly road. It was special to share these tough kilometres with these lovely people. I also learnt that carrying a lot of weight on your back wheel apparently does slow you down a lot... I always thought... its no biggie... ahh It was so hard to climb with all that... but I did it. I had my first burst of emotional splendour when I saw Trieste... after climbing you basically roll down the last 10k into the city (I had cycled into the city 5 years ago from another direction, but it had the same effect on me). After all the hard work, its so rewarding to glide into the beautiful city and see the sea.... and the beaches... mmmm.... its soul stirring. Experiencing it with people you love and care about, well its just double the sweetness. I already felt my first happiness tears starting, when I realised... yes I have another month ahead on the road... 

2. Italy.... there was about 800k left over to get across... and that is the biggest mistake you can make when cycling.. thinking that the road is just to get across.. Being myself... which is all I can be.. but yes can be a little scatterbrained, I hadn't thought the route out too much... one place to another.. a big map of Italy in my hands I chose what seemed be the shortest roads... do not do this! Research the roads and maybe use an offline map for cycling routes (we used MAPSme, more information on this coming up). When I chose the shortest roads there were so many trucks, I do not mind to ride in traffic, I guess I am used to it, but I hate

trucks... and these ones were the risky ones, one time it came so close to Tom, one foot or so away... It was scary and it makes you nervous. The whole first day from Trieste to Jeselo was pretty intense... so to avoid.. please check better ways.. we did this and its so much better. If you cannot find the bike routes (Italian signage is so confusing) use an offline map with the bike ways, it will pretty much always take you on smaller roads that are more comfortable for cycling. Lots of nice moments in Italy, one funny thing.. I've been staring at beaches and sand and water for the last two weeks.. or should I say passing them at different speeds.. I only managed to get in the water once... why?? every day when there is a day free its a thunder storm day.. a blessing and a curse it seems. My advice for my future self is that perhaps if you want to jump in the water.. the present moment is presenting itself to you and needs to be taken advantage of... I will try to jump into the water more... because its not always there back home and it seems to make me happy. The last kilometres in Italy, mean the last 150 or so... were the most impressive for me. The winding roads along the coastline... there were bike paths built through the mountains, plunging you into a darkness that was only sedated by blue and pink neon lights showing you the way. It was an amazing road. 

3. France... tough, tough roads... we were used to tackling 150k a day without too much complaint... but the roads along the coast to Marseille were so fucking hard... so much altitude and just confusing parts. Our offline maps did some real damage to my trust in it when it took us down a road that apparently we could cycle on, in reality it was only possible for dirt bikes... but we had started on it and had to continue. It was 13k of rough, muddy downhill... I felt so sorry for my poor bike as I heard it rattling and straining under the heavy bumps. I had my first emotional breakdown (first of many) told Tom I didn't want it anymore and squeezed out a few tears, my biggest complaint was that the fucking MAPS-ME had stolen my downhill... you see we had climbed about 1 hour uphill before and I looked forward to that beauty of a ride going down, instead it took one hour to cover 13k because we had to use the brakes 100 percent of the decent.. get it?... stolen downhill... I was so angry. The thought that came to my mind... and its there still so strong 'frustration comes, frustration goes.. the road is always there' no matter your feelings, the ever present road... it sits in front of you and invites you to try your luck.. you can curse it, you can praise it, you can hate or love it.. its always there, the same, unchanging, unmoving, uncaring... in all it states... you have to at some point get on with it and ride it. 

4. Spain, Barca... yes so we were happy to be clear out of France (sorry French friends, I know the country is beautiful), the Spanish border stood in front of me like a banner of achievement... we were almost in Barcelona so what could possibly go wrong? the first big half of our journey would be over. The problem with pushing yourself sometimes is that then your body starts to rebel and tell you its just not happy with this kind of treatment... it seemed it thought this would be a holiday, because that is what we were calling it back at home. The situation occurred that I had some sleepless nights on the last days of France, girl problems... so 48 hours of being awake pretty much, well I can handle it... but then we cycled the

next day 200k... I also felt fresh, because of enough coffee etc... but the next day from that I could not move my knee properly, it was suffering, 30k after the Spanish border... and 50k of hills into the day... a thunder storm started... 4pm... 70k left... I was feeling so weak... and you know what.. the train to Girona was only 5 euros and saved my knee from more pain. Sometimes you have to admit that its too much, I knew my limit and it was right there, we hopped on a train and got over to Girona in 40 minutes and arrived early enough to see the beautiful city. Something important, know when to be strong and know when to say its enough. Sometimes in life, you cannot say its enough, you do not have that luxury and you have to push through a lot of pain, but there are the other times. The times when you are pushing yourself and admitting that you need to stop is fine, its good and it shows that you are respecting your body and your state of being. lucky for me, I could ride the next day with no problem and my knee is now working perfectly good.. so I can still ride my bike. 

That seems to be all for now, the stories... pfff... there are so so so many more.. I cannot write it in one simple blog post.. but at least a few highlights for now are here. Thanks for listening. 

Power Poser

Power Posing and Wanting what you have.

I want to share with you all, and with myself (because I know this blog is somewhat of a diary and a letter to me) some moments that have moved me. I do not get time or the feeling to write this blog that much anymore, sometimes I wonder if it is because I have gotten boring or lost the deep passion for life that I had… but its not that. It’s simply not the time for it, other things come and rest in my mind, stir me and move me, but I do not feel like putting pen to paper, or should I say.. fingers to keyboard. But today… today, this beautiful day, I feel like it. 

As you know I work as a bike messenger, for the sweetest company in Graz, Pink Pedals. The cycling crew that I have met and become close to over the last two years has brought me so much joy and honestly… they made Graz feel like home, not only through knowing them personally but also through knowing the city, getting intimate with the streets, feeling the weather in all forms harassing and comforting me, seeing the daily life of the people around me anytime from 7am till 6pm… sharing moments with doctors, dentists, architects, and anyone that we pick up or deliver a package from. What do you share? Well a friendly smile, a knowing tired look, a curseful comment about the weather or the drivers, and the pure happiness of seeing the first signs of spring.

There is the heart warming thrill of taking off your thick winter gloves after months of freezing cold and feeling the grips on your handlebars fitting snuggly into your hands… all of this and more are part of the cycle courier daily routine and life and I love it. 

I have to think back to when I started my first shifts for Pink Pedals, It was extremely difficult for me. I was constantly lost and I was super nervous almost all the time, which most certainly didn’t help. Despite feeling  very untalented at the task, I persisted, never really knowing for sure if it would get better. Even when it did get better, my self doubt was very strong. Even after cycling for more then a year and with plenty of experience, my stomach would churn before my morning shift, I would panic and get worried. My self talk was very negative as I would always tell myself that I was slow and an idiot and how could I not know this or that or whatever.  At some point I recognised it, I saw that I was constantly giving myself a hard time, but I did not know how to stop it. I watched a Ted Talk about something called Power Posing.. it talked about how your body language could affect your confidence, it suggested you take a more positive powerful stance before doing something that you need courage for. Much like the Superman or woman pose with legs spread and one hand or both pointing up.  I decided to give it a try.. and so.. I power posed every morning or afternoon before my shift.. I created a mantra which went ‘I am fast, I am strong, I am safe’.  I really didn’t care what I looked like, as I stood in full cycling gear in front of the mirror in our hallway and put my hands on my hips, looked myself in the eyes and said those words out loud, if I forgot to do it before I left, I stopped to do it in the entrance of our building or anywhere else where I had a break.  Slowly and surly my feelings changed, I started to feel strong, fast and safe… my self doubt, although always a cloud looming high in the sky… got smaller and smaller… my assurity and belief that I could do this job grew. I found myself saying yes when I was asked if I could make it on time for something or if I thought I could manage it, instead of doubting and taking ages to decide, I would say ‘yes I can’. I really believe that my poser habits and my positive re-enforcements changed my mind-sets towards myself towards this job. As soon as I stopped with the self-critic, the joyful moments abounded so much more… the stress and worry disappeared, I was able to control my emotions more and be more reliable. All of this to say… guys and girls… try a power pose when you need to do something that is scaring you, build the hero confidence, even if you are only pretending or acting… I had to fake it till I made it… and it worked. 

Here is a link to the TED talk if you want to watch it

Power Posing 

The days fly by over here, tumbling in with the mixed emotions, ups and downs are part of life and even though I try to embrace them all I struggle periodically with self doubt and it is still a crippling disability. Since I arrived in Graz I felt it stronger than ever, more then that I felt dry of ideas and draining of the energy that I used to know back when I was at the CE in Novi Sad. I wondered many times what had happened to all the old me, the girl with irrepressible energy and strength. I read back over a note I had written to a friend, I had told him ‘tell me if I am not one of the most brave girls you have ever met?’. For my time in Graz I didn’t feel brave anymore, I didn’t feel purposeful, I felt tired. When I tried to push energy into CE, I felt like I was drawing from an empty well, instead of life giving water, I pulled out mud and muck and it took so much strength to do even that. Sometimes like a flash of lighting across a dark night sky, my lively energy would return, the fountain of ideas and inspiration erupted and I thought… ahh now I have got it back… but then just as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone, and the dark sky was back and I was alone with myself and feeling somehow helpless to change things.  I looked around me at my brothers and sisters, friends and colleagues and saw from my perspective the progress they had made. I saw the careers and education that they had built up…. I compared myself to them and felt inadequate, small and like a little girl trying to run to keep up with the fast pace that the adults were walking. At one point a thought changed my perspective… ‘If I don’t have what I want at the moment, maybe I should try wanting what I have’. And what do I have?? So many good things and people surround me every day. I have my own business (which by the way is pretty successful), I work as a bike messenger with a super cool crew of people, I have a life partner who loves me, I have my body working better then ever… when I saw all of this I realise that I have so many of the things I have struggled to attain and was striving for. I think that I was so used to thinking negative about myself and doubting myself that I never stopped to realise that things had changed… all the areas I had fought to put my foot down in were starting to take root… they had changed but I had not. Now its time to appreciate the road behind, the road now and the road ahead….. Its been an amazing journey here in Graz. Yes I have what I want, because I want what I have, I want it so much and I am grateful.

Some amazing stuff that I have been doing these days includes teaching bike mechanics classes specifically for FLIT people (I even got paid for it). I also finished a study course to be an English teacher… I have a job in a week teaching English in Salzberg. I am organizing an Alleycat* bike race with the other female couriers from Pink Pedals… yes I have been busy. 

Good morning 2018

Its nice to finally meet you, I am only saying this today because I only sobered up on the 2^nd of January and then was sick until the 3^rd… it only seems right that today is the first day of the year for me.

I just realised I only wrote 7 blog posts last year… It’s not that nothing happened, but that everything happened all at once. It passed in a blur of cycling, cooking, baking, laughing, crying and all the rest.

What has this year been like for everyone? I was sick yesterday so of course I scrolled through FB millions of times and it seems like most of my friends and happy and wowzerssss… super successful… haha.. of course this could just be our FB image… So when you have time write me something real about your year.. I am curious. I can’t pretend that this whole year was a piece of cake… though there were many pieces of cake in this year.. get it??? 

Just to be totally real with you, I am still a penniless fool struggling through life… I do not pretend to be anything else, because I don’t want anyone to look at me and in any way feel intimidated (I don’t think its possible.. but just in case) and say to themselves ‘wow look at that, some people are really doing well’.. in terms of plain old success and countability of gold and shit like that.. I am not doing too well.. Thankfully I am not measuring my life by those means.. at least I try not to. I seem to abound in hilarious moments, friendships, love, adventures, excitement and fun… I wouldn’t trade these for anything… this year has just been an absolute treasure in these ways and I am happy with it. 

Highlights from the year… oh well let’s take a looksee

Cake Baby… after investing in making cake baby a small company and taking off to a flying start, the second half of the year had only one cake order… boo hoo… never mind… I still know how to make good cake, and I loved working with Medea… Maybe one day someone will realise the true geniuses we are.. and it could be any day now. Something I have to say is that I did learn some new recipes and baking ideas that I really wanted to learn, such as cheesecakes. This year I mastered them, and furthermore I look forward to this year learning Vegan cheesecakes and other more complex baking feats.

My messengering was pretty good… I cycled more this year than any other year.. I also got 2 fines,  had 2 collisions with cars and crashed full force into a wall, bending the fork on my bike and bruising myself just about everywhere… oh well… never mind… I love that job, It makes me happy and confident. I love the crew at PP and this year felt closer with them.. so there ya go… I can now ride a bike around a city and earn something from it… I might have a hilarious amount of mishaps… but I am still a messenger.  I might not be the best one, but I improved. 

Culture Exchange… it seems to be slowly ticking along, making progress. Very, very slowly mind you… well it just wouldn’t be right to rush things would it? I mean who wants to be super successful immediately… well that would just ruin the fun… at least that seems to be the way the Gods of fate are playing it.. and what I am telling myself of course.  I did experience so so many conflicting emotional times with the CE here… Culture Exchange as a whole.. Well it’s just been an emotional rollercoaster from day 1, and it does not seem to want to give me a break. 

The Culture Exchange in Novi Sad also closed this year, a sad but remarkable moment and ended a chapter that was forever going on and on in my mind. It was a sentence that no matter how long and poetic, needed a full stop.  It felt like something on the edge of life and death for such a long time now. It’s last and memorable evening ended with a truly triumphant party, which gave me hope for the future. No matter what has happened, it was a beautiful thing, and it always gives me courage that everything can happen… anything can happen. 

This year I lived with 3 amazing people, I had such a good time with them, its hard to express in words just how happy they have made me.  Meeting them, getting to know them, having adventures, sharing lots of stories, fun, food, and laughter made me feel at home in Austria. I sort of had thought that Serbia would kind of be the place that I felt the most at home in, with the dearest friends etc… When travelling back there I would feel that familiar emotional attachment to the city, the feeling that you know it and it knows you, there are memories on every street and familiar faces at every turn.  It took me some time to get accustomed to life in Graz, it was a big change and I was immediately thrown into a hectic and busy lifestyle. It took me time to find this bubble of love, or should I say, create it, and it’s a wonderful thing to live here. I feel so good, sometimes I wonder how anyone can live without these guys, because they are all so great. I noticed recently that I was really laughing again, wholeheartedly and with real joy. After the stressful year in Serbia and coming to Austria, I had noticed that I was not really laughing fully anymore… that I was laughing and kind of happy, but I was so deeply stressed it was so hard for me to really feel fully joyful and like myself. I am so relieved to say, I am through that time.  This year has had so so many happy moments and that is due to the people around me, those 3 awesome guys, Tom, and also my other close friends in Graz. I am happy here. 

What beauties of life can I expect from this next 12 sections of weeks, days and hours that we can a year… moments of time.. it’s all a long string of moments.

My life this next year is going to change a lot, I can feel it. I can’t share it all with you in this post but let’s just say that my time in Graz, my time with Culture Exchange is coming to a big turning point and I am sure the chaotic, beautiful seas of change are going to once again push me to exploring new levels of myself and of this world around me. 

When I thought about cementing goals for the New Year, I felt a bit unmotivated. It’s not that I don’t have ideas and passion for the future… It’s just I am not sure that putting my goals from January forward and projecting them into the whole year is for me. I did most of my goals last year… I did a long bike trip, I improved in my messengering, I did sort of improve my German…, however some I did not complete. I did not really go forward in some of the hobbies that I had thought I would like to learn more about.  I think I will be making more concise goals weekly or monthly and thinking more clearly about what I would like to see happen or expect from myself.  

So guys, hear from you soon

THANKSGIVING

At this time of year a couple of big memories spring to mind.

 It’s hard to not get nostalgic if I think back to the different years. November always was a special time, it seemed that something life changing was always going on and this year is no different, there are plenty of things that are today stirring my soul. I know that years from now I will also look back on this November and remember some pretty cool things. 

 Today I realized its exactly one year since I started cycling in Asia from Bangkok to Cambodia. Situations like this, of facing the unknown and doing crazy and brave things are always leaving a firm imprint on my life and memories. This is because I am such an emotional person, in times like this my emotions are so strong that the thought of them can bring the same feelings back. Even now as I look back and remember myself starting to cycling alone in a strange country, I feel a lump in my throat because I remember that emotion I had when I started. I held back tears and told myself ‘One day it will be one year from now, I will look back and it will just be something I have done, I just have to do it’. Today is that day.  I am so grateful for all the things I went through alone on this trip. It would not have been the same with someone else beside me to take my fears away or share them with. I know that I needed to face some things totally alone, to know what I was capable on my own, to see myself as I am, without anything to support my ego or image, my self-creation of who I am or was. I was alone, no one knew me, I was nothing, I had to stand on my own and use only the resources within myself to find the bravery to keep going… and I did. Despite all my moments of weakness and everything I am not… I think on this trip I discovered something that I am, brave, determined, and not afraid of fear. Does that makes any sense?… I know fear, I have it, I have felt it so strong, but I am not afraid of feeling it, I want to feel it, I want to face it… I want to experience it, and most importantly, I don’t let it stop me. 

Also thinking back even a bit more, November is special to me because the CE team. By this I mean everyone who made the team in lots of different phases. One tradition we had since I first came to Serbia was continued through the years at CE wast that ee would always celebrate a Thanksgiving dinner and party together. Even though we were not American and were not religious, it was a celebration of all the good things that have happened in the year. It was always a very sweet and fun event, everyone used to go around in a circle and say the 5 things they were grateful for that year. It was a lovely tradition and something that helped build the CE staff into the lovely community that they were. I often look back fondly on those great guys that made CE so lovely and on the special time in our lives that we shared. I am most certainly very thankful  for them and for the life that I lived in Serbia,  it was such an amazing collection of weird and wonderful experiences. 

When I moved to Graz I had this feeling like I hadn’t made many close friends, I was working all the time at very intense and draining jobs, and I hardly had time to invest at all in any kind of relationships. I used to look back and get sad thinking about the community and the role I played in it back in Serbia. I wondered if I would ever have that again or if I just got really lucky to be surrounded by sweet people, love and happiness. Things here changed, I didn’t have the old CE crew and staff to build a close community with, it just wasn’t the same at all. But slowly the community started to build, the people who I lived with and the friends I made became my community. I grew closer with the guys from the Pink Pedals,  the customers and regulars at CE became dear to me, and the guys in my apartment are like family to me. I see how important it is to surround yourself with an environment that builds love and community. I also learnt how it doesn’t happen instantly, everything takes time, but be patient with it, it will come. I honestly believe that there is love and friendships and wonderful people in every corner of the world. I think one of my skills is that I am able to really bring people together, I love people genuinely and I want to be close to them, I need it. I have lived now in 3 countries for some amount of time, in every place I build up a group of people who I love and who loved me, this is something in my life that I am really satisfied with. You need to find your people, your tribe, your group of jungle bums that make you happy and bring joy to your life.

 I have some friends who have moved to foreign countries and don’t feel at home there, they have struggled to make deeper friendships and get this community feeling. I think the key in this is simple… don’t be an ex-pat… you’re not a foreigner invading their culture with your own.. be one of them. When I lived in Serbia, I really felt Serbian, at least i lived the reality of some Serbian people. I lived in a cute little house, I had no money, I tried to learn the language, I shopped in the same places, ate the same food, went to the same concerts, smoked hundreds of cigarettes, and drank Jelen pivo and Zajcarsko with absolutely no complaint. I struggled hard there to keep my business going, I got super depressed… I understood the people there, I understood my friends, I loved them, I loved the culture, I loved the food, I loved the parents and the grandma’s, and with all of this they accepted me too, they welcomed me into their sweet little homes with open arms, they fed me at their tables and treated me like their own… 

 Here are my top 5 tips for getting integrated into a new country.

1.       Don’t hang out only with other foreigners, spend time and make friendships with people from the country you are living in. They will bring to life for you all the beauties of your new home. You may have a lot in common with other expats and people who have travelled abroad, but you will also have that with local people.

2.       Learn the language, invest time and energy in understanding and learning, even though I don’t feel particularly talented in German or Serbian, I am so happy that I understand a bit and invest in studying. Not only is it fascinating and fun but it’s really helping to understand the culture and humour.  

3.       Don’t judge what you don’t understand. People from all over the world have had such different experiences; many tough things in a country’s background can create mentalities and behaviour that you don’t understand. Don’t judge, accept and realise that everyone has their own story, their reason for why they are they way they are. I loved Slavenka Drakulic’s book ‘How we survived communism and even laughed’. It was stories about communist Yugoslavia and shared lots of humorous and sad moments, it came to life for me because so much of it reminded me of my friends and the strong people I met in Serbia who had lived tough such tough and difficult times.

4.       Get involved and interested in all age-groups. I loved the grandma’s in Serbia, I loved my friends’ parents. Talking with them the little I could and seeing their lives was so fascinating for me. I always had a special place in my heart for these quaint and strong older women from ex-Yugoslavia, especially after I stayed with some of them while travelling, and understood some of their stories. Getting acquainted with the older age group was a source of much joy for me

5.       Do as they do… As I said before, try to live as a local if you want to be really accepted.. and most importantly put yourself out there. If you love genuinely and without prejudices… I promise you, you will be accepted, they will welcome you with open arms and like me, you will make true friendships that will last for life. 

Its Thanksgiving time rolling in again, and me and my flatmates will host a thanksgiving dinner, just like we used to do in Serbia. Different country, different people, different lifestyle and customs.. but the same feeling… contentment, happiness and gratitude. I am so happy to have shared different parts of my life with really wonderful people and I know that I will continue to do so.