Oh its been almost 2 weeks since i wrote anything, the nice thing about this is that it means that i did not have a chance to get properly online... which can only mean i am out of my old world and fully into this reality of traveling and exploring.
I was one week now at a meditation and yoga retreat close to Siem Reap. I think this has been the first time in years that i have felt truly peaceful, relaxed and started to get deeper with myself. One of the core principles of the retreat is that it a digital detox, no phones, no Internet for 6 days... although i did cheat to write Tom, i tried to stick to it. Its amazing how when you go out afterwards you notice how people are constantly staring at their screens, even while talking to their friends or anyone. Its interesting when you start to kind of wake up and notice that no one is living in the present, everyone seems to want to be somewhere else... with someone else.. and then when they are with them.. they cannot be there either.. I do this too.. when i am in Asia i check FB of my friends back at home, and when i was there.. i dreamt and thought about here. The cure is to bring ourselves into the present moment.. take a look around you, appreciate the beauty, love with your heart in this moment, and do not worry abut the future.. appreciate yourself and those around you right now. The future does not exist... all we have is the now.
I will have to write a whole post about the retreat, but this computer is so bad and its very hard for me to type. So instead of sharing everything that is going on, i just want to share with you a beautiful little moment from last night that really touched my heart.

So yesterday evening me and a friend went out for dinner, there was a small funfair and street food market and we sat down to eat. A little Khmer girl came up to us with her hands outstretched begging for money. She looked so sad and lost, she was about 8 or 9. I didn't know what to do, because even though i hear its not good to give the street kids money, i always want to give them something. The thing was i only had 100 dollar bill so it was not going to work. So i invited her to eat with us, she immediately accepted and sat down at the table, eating the bowl of noodles in seconds, sitting quietly and politely. We bought her a drink and her face opened into a huge genuine smile, she tried to talk a lot to us, but we didn't really understand. After drinking her juice she did a huge burp and burst out laughing the cutest laugh, which made us laugh too. After we finished dinner, she took my hand and walked silently with me through the fair, we occasionally looked at each and other and burst into huge smiles... love is a language everyone in the world understands and appreciates. We bought her candy floss and it was the sweetest pleasure to watch her enjoying it. When we had to go, i reached down to her and she fell into my arms with the most complete hug, she put her head on my shoulder as we hugged tightly for at least a minute. As usual i got emotional and had to fight back tears the whole way home.. Giving and receiving sincere love is far more valuable then money, so often we want to get or give something material, but love and attention are so so priceless. She is always going to be in my heart and I am sure that she will remember us too.
So i have more to tell, unfortunately this computer is pretty rough to type with , so i will say goodbye for now, more details coming soon

Its gonna be hard to record everything here, because after 3 days of cycling i have felt so much.

My emotions on this trip have been going crazy. It has to be the loneliness and more solitude adventure I have ever done. The little diary of the bike ride is full, full of my thoughts and interpretation of the events and my surroundings.
Exiting Bangkok felt scary, i was totally alone, i was on a bike.. and i was a girl.... now we know that does not have to mean anything. However when you are a woman you have so many more things to worry about then guys. While for most of your life you are told to worry that no one will want your vagina ever, when alone your worry would be that someone will want it.. and that you wont want to give it to them. It in general causes you a lot of problems, its a very hazardous body part. I do not know how men feel when sitting on a bike seat for hours.. like what does that do to your balls? but for vagina's its also no easy ride... then you can also consider that you have a time of the month where you generally just don't feel well and everything is out of control.. yeah so there are those things that affected me as well.
Anyhow i know you are grossed out now so you won't read further, but i mainly write this blog for myself, so i continue.
So exiting Bangkok was a really big and busy road, trying not to die was a goal, and i succeeded. I realised quickly i was the weakest thing out there, the most vulnerable and tiny person on the most vulnerable and tiny vehicle. It was not countryside, it was not rural and it was not as cute as i imagined. When i arrived the first day in the place i would stay, i immediately felt overwhelmed by the loneliness. It was a cute little resort about 60k out of the city, but i was the only person of my kind there.. i mean foreigner and alone. I was so hungry and tired and went to walk around the city which was very overwhelming, big and dirty. I began to regret my choice to do this alone and wonder what the hell i was thinking.. first tears... everyone who knows me knows that i cry.  I am a cryer, emotional overloads and common and i accept the tears. I felt like giving up and taking the train back to Bangkok, waiting for Tom to arrive and staying in his arms forever and ever. I also had really really bad jetlag.. i could not sleep the whole first night till 4am.. imagine i had been there from 3pm.. trying to sleep from around 8pm. I have to say thank you to Max for putting the movies on my tablet, which made it a little more bearable, as i had already read my book from cover to cover and there were no shops to buy a book in English. I felt so so lonely, but in a way i knew i wanted it. I craved solitude and i was getting it.. it was hurting but it was good. The next morning i thought about what to do.. either continue or give up.
I decided to continue. with only about 6 hours sleep in 3 days, i felt like i had been partying all night and then tried to ride. But with ever pedal stroke, i felt confidence returning. Joy rushed over me and i let my thoughts take over and kept myself company the whole day. I realised that the bike ride was pretty much a story of my whole life. I could have it easy,  i could go to a beach, i could rest, i could relax and take a train. However i just cant do that, i always pick the tough way, the lonely road, even though it hurts me a lot and feeling alone has never been easy for me, i am a social creature and love people very much. On the second night i was again in a very deserted spot. Hungry and tired i tried to find food. This was a very funny experience. Almost the whole trip i have been eating vegetables and rice... because in the little villages they have mainly meat things. So when i tried to explain i was vegetarian and they brought me 5 plates of different meats.. i almost started crying again (cry baby). I had better luck at the next little food stand and got my vegetables and rice. This night i finally sleep well... i cant tell you how good it felt, i awoke the next morning with courage for  the next day already at my side.
I wrote this in my diary 'I am having a lot of emotions, i know that's why i do this.. to feel alive, to cry, to genuinely smile, to feel fear and questions, to feel lost, surprised, humbled, honoured, proud, faithless, trusting.. to feel the air in your lungs.. the cold water against the heat... the pretty and the ugly.. its all there if you dare to take it'. I am never gonna forget the things i went through here.
I cycled to Kabin Buri and wait to take a train to the border... i have a three hour wait and i am quite the spectacle for the locals. For one being the whitest thing around and being alone and being on a bike. The cutest group of locals take me in as their own. They buy me food and try to talk to me, funny.. they all add me on FB... i do not understand how they all have FB.. they are these older street food vendors... but they are intrigued by my FB photos. You see by now i am red, sweaty and disgusting and they just can't believe that the photos on my FB page are me.. :) they keep giving thumbs up and saying... beautiful...
The guy from the food stand insists on paying for me and my bike's train fare... i try to refuse.. cus i have more money, but they wont let me. They are always gonna be in my heart, so much kindness.
From there I arrive at the border, I stay the night in a very nice small hotel... the fanciest place till now. It was 2 beds and even a free pack of condoms.. they stayed unopened :)
I now had a decision to make about if i continue by bike or if i should go on by foot. I realised that my bike wheel had gotten really fucked up, not just a popped inner tube but it was totally ripped. I think about just fixing it. The hotel owner is a super kind dude, he speaks good English and when i ask him if he thinks i should sell the bike or ride it into Cambodia, he offers to help me sell the bike. I am kind of taking it as a sign but i still feel like i would be a disappointment to myself if i stop. Then my stomach feels funny, after the weirdest breakfast at the hotel i immediately throw up. However i don't feel that sick. I kinda take it as a sign, that from here i will leave the bike. The hotel dude volunteers to drive me around this morning to find somewhere to sell it. It's a really funny experience and eventually we do find someone to take her.. for half the price. Still I am happy with it, i never expected to get it all back. Its sad for me to say bye to my bike, for three days it was the only company i had. We couldn't have done it without each other, and now its life will continue without me. I almost cry when i say goodbye to it (crying again). The guys from the hotel drive me to the border for free and i set off with just my backpack, I feel comfort in the aloneness now.
Soon i am hustling past the hustlers and into the border. No one bothers me and i get past customs no problem, Cambodian visa goes into my passport. I meet now three french travellers who are so sweet and go with me in a taxi to Siam Reap. I am now staying at the Flashybackpackers hostel. On arriving here i realise there will be no sweet loneliness to cling to anymore, i am surrounded by tourists. The hostel room has about 50 beds in one room, a pool, a busy bar and English tourists flocking around... or should i say fucking around. Its another culture shock... to be surrounded by business after the quiet is really bizarre... but here i am. I finally have a computer and i can write this all down.
One thought that i wrote in my diary stays in my mind 'how you feel will change.. soon'.. In all this I miss Tom every second of the day. He is my ultimate soulmate and i am so excited to see him in just 12 days.. :) for now that's all.
Pictures coming soon :)

I know its too soon to write another post, but because every single day is sooo freaking long and full i feel that if i do not write it down it will be forgotten with the highs and lows of the next day.
So here we go.
Preparation for my little cycling adventure is full underway. As i do not have bicycle bags, i must strap my backpack to my bike. I soon realise i have brought too many things to do this task properly. I did not bring many things, but i had some winter clothes on when i left Austria and now those must be left behind. I put them in a bag and leave a note for Tom at the hostel.. he loves me a lot so maybe hr brings them for me, otherwise i will arrive in the UK next month in shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt, i am OK with this.
My hosts here are just lovely. They try to help me to get ready in every way they can. They help me try to strap the bag on the back of the bike and offer to ride with me a little tomorrow morning to find the start of the right road.. that's a good thing, because this girl went the wrong way around the race track once and i have seen that getting lost is something i do.
I did my laundry in their little open kitchen, its so cute. I washed everything by hand and hang it to dry for tomorrow. There is something so beautiful in simple tasks that you complete with love and care. I enjoy everything i do these days, i want to appreciate each moment.
I also took the bike for a test drive and had 3 tasks to complete on my outing... i wanted to buy some food, painkillers and cigarettes. Everything looked really the same and i got a bit confused. I started to doubt my abilities to figure out this country. However i persisted, i first found the cigarettes (first things first) Then asked someone where to buy Pad Thai.. which has been my go-to food, as its vegetarian and delicious. The dude helped me out by pointing to the street stand i had passed moments earlier. I still couldn't find the medicine shop, but 2 out of 3 was good enough for me. On my way cycling around i was totally oblivious of my money slipping out of my pocket... the kindly chap at the coconut stand waved me to a halt and brought my attention to the misdemeanour with much passion. How honest and kind can you get? I also wanted to tip the lady at the Pad Thai stand... when i tried to give her more money.. she refused with absolute pride... no way was i treating her like that. She grinned at me and shook her head 'NO NO NO' she said, waving me away. You gotta have some respect for people that are so poor and yet do not want to take anything at all from you, only what is fair and right in their eyes. People of Thailand are polite and shy, they are honest and so far i have had only good experience with them.
So tomorrow i start cycling, lets see how that goes 

i like big butts

I really wanted to write a post before i left for Bangkok, it seemed like it would be good to see how i felt before and after arriving by recording my thoughts.. then i could be like...' haha i was so wrong'. 

It ended up that i left everything for the last minute, including going to the dentist... which i really needed to do. I decided to write the blog post and go to the dentist in Thailand... one of those two is straightforward and i guess we will see how the other one will go. If i do come back with a full set of golden teeth, you can just know that i finally got what i wanted.

My first impression of the airport and the whole trip was that it was not as culture shocking as i thought it would be. Its a very busy and hectic place, but still, its modern and people are polite and sweet.

my steed for the journey to Cambodia

Spinning Bear bike hostel

Making little plans

I had the good luck of chancing upon a sweet little gem of a place called the 'Spinning bear bicycle hostel'.. i caught sight of it on a cycling blog. Although i had already booked a hostel in the center for the first few nights, i immediately began messaging the owners. I mentioned that i was considering cycling from Bangkok to Siam Reap, and they offered to help me. When i arrived at the airport they picked me up and took me to their hostel, which was about 20k out of the city, but in a good location to start my bike journey, as there would be less cars. I was nervous about really doing a journey like this alone, especially with no experience of this country. As usual i throw myself into things and think about it later and it was not long before they were making phone calls and trying to find a bike that i could use, which wouldn't cost too much. within 2 hours of arriving i had a bike, i had a helmet, new bike gloves and was sitting in the spinning bear hostel with my map of Thailand and Cambodia planning my route with 'Im' (one of the owners of the place). She talked with me a lot about what it would be like and assured me that i would feel safe. 

I still feel nervous, i feel this trip has so many angles and sides to it. I am kinda in the sight-seeing.. walk around a big city like an idiot.. part. Then will come the face your fears bike part.. also a guess a lonely and solitude venture, plus plenty of adventure and unexpected situations. Then i am staying in Siam Reap at a meditation and yoga event, for one week i will be without Internet and staying in a little village, this will be the total relaxation of mind and body part. From Siam Reap i fly to Luang Probang in Laos to meet up with Tom (boyfriend.. soulmate dude), and i have to say i really miss him on this trip. I knew i needed to do some things alone in my life, but i can't help wishing that he was here almost every second, but i guess it makes the thought of seeing him in Laos so sweet and emotional. His brother (Maess) is also travelling down with him, so its going to be a lot of fun. After Laos we are all going to Vietnam together and chilling... from there the plan is kind of open but we must get to KLM by the 20th December because we fly together to England to see my parents and family for Christmas. After one week there we finally would return back to our lives in Graz, its a big holiday, big adventure and hopefully it will all fall into place.

Dan and Eyves

Now i am staying at a hostel close to the centre of Bangkok, so far its been really amazing to meet people and spend time with them. I met two very cool guys, Dan and Eyves (dunno if that is spelled right), we walked around the city all day today. It can be pretty exhausting as all day you are trying to not get killed, hit by a tuk tuk, or hustled into a ping pong show (which i have now realized
 is only barely related to ping pong). I am looking forward to my five lovely, lonely days of riding a bike to Siam Reap and I will keep you updated with all that I am doing in each place.