Good morning 2018

Its nice to finally meet you, I am only saying this today because I only sobered up on the 2^nd of January and then was sick until the 3^rd… it only seems right that today is the first day of the year for me.

I just realised I only wrote 7 blog posts last year… It’s not that nothing happened, but that everything happened all at once. It passed in a blur of cycling, cooking, baking, laughing, crying and all the rest.

What has this year been like for everyone? I was sick yesterday so of course I scrolled through FB millions of times and it seems like most of my friends and happy and wowzerssss… super successful… haha.. of course this could just be our FB image… So when you have time write me something real about your year.. I am curious. I can’t pretend that this whole year was a piece of cake… though there were many pieces of cake in this year.. get it??? 

Just to be totally real with you, I am still a penniless fool struggling through life… I do not pretend to be anything else, because I don’t want anyone to look at me and in any way feel intimidated (I don’t think its possible.. but just in case) and say to themselves ‘wow look at that, some people are really doing well’.. in terms of plain old success and countability of gold and shit like that.. I am not doing too well.. Thankfully I am not measuring my life by those means.. at least I try not to. I seem to abound in hilarious moments, friendships, love, adventures, excitement and fun… I wouldn’t trade these for anything… this year has just been an absolute treasure in these ways and I am happy with it. 

Highlights from the year… oh well let’s take a looksee

Cake Baby… after investing in making cake baby a small company and taking off to a flying start, the second half of the year had only one cake order… boo hoo… never mind… I still know how to make good cake, and I loved working with Medea… Maybe one day someone will realise the true geniuses we are.. and it could be any day now. Something I have to say is that I did learn some new recipes and baking ideas that I really wanted to learn, such as cheesecakes. This year I mastered them, and furthermore I look forward to this year learning Vegan cheesecakes and other more complex baking feats.

My messengering was pretty good… I cycled more this year than any other year.. I also got 2 fines,  had 2 collisions with cars and crashed full force into a wall, bending the fork on my bike and bruising myself just about everywhere… oh well… never mind… I love that job, It makes me happy and confident. I love the crew at PP and this year felt closer with them.. so there ya go… I can now ride a bike around a city and earn something from it… I might have a hilarious amount of mishaps… but I am still a messenger.  I might not be the best one, but I improved. 

Culture Exchange… it seems to be slowly ticking along, making progress. Very, very slowly mind you… well it just wouldn’t be right to rush things would it? I mean who wants to be super successful immediately… well that would just ruin the fun… at least that seems to be the way the Gods of fate are playing it.. and what I am telling myself of course.  I did experience so so many conflicting emotional times with the CE here… Culture Exchange as a whole.. Well it’s just been an emotional rollercoaster from day 1, and it does not seem to want to give me a break. 

The Culture Exchange in Novi Sad also closed this year, a sad but remarkable moment and ended a chapter that was forever going on and on in my mind. It was a sentence that no matter how long and poetic, needed a full stop.  It felt like something on the edge of life and death for such a long time now. It’s last and memorable evening ended with a truly triumphant party, which gave me hope for the future. No matter what has happened, it was a beautiful thing, and it always gives me courage that everything can happen… anything can happen. 

This year I lived with 3 amazing people, I had such a good time with them, its hard to express in words just how happy they have made me.  Meeting them, getting to know them, having adventures, sharing lots of stories, fun, food, and laughter made me feel at home in Austria. I sort of had thought that Serbia would kind of be the place that I felt the most at home in, with the dearest friends etc… When travelling back there I would feel that familiar emotional attachment to the city, the feeling that you know it and it knows you, there are memories on every street and familiar faces at every turn.  It took me some time to get accustomed to life in Graz, it was a big change and I was immediately thrown into a hectic and busy lifestyle. It took me time to find this bubble of love, or should I say, create it, and it’s a wonderful thing to live here. I feel so good, sometimes I wonder how anyone can live without these guys, because they are all so great. I noticed recently that I was really laughing again, wholeheartedly and with real joy. After the stressful year in Serbia and coming to Austria, I had noticed that I was not really laughing fully anymore… that I was laughing and kind of happy, but I was so deeply stressed it was so hard for me to really feel fully joyful and like myself. I am so relieved to say, I am through that time.  This year has had so so many happy moments and that is due to the people around me, those 3 awesome guys, Tom, and also my other close friends in Graz. I am happy here. 

What beauties of life can I expect from this next 12 sections of weeks, days and hours that we can a year… moments of time.. it’s all a long string of moments.

My life this next year is going to change a lot, I can feel it. I can’t share it all with you in this post but let’s just say that my time in Graz, my time with Culture Exchange is coming to a big turning point and I am sure the chaotic, beautiful seas of change are going to once again push me to exploring new levels of myself and of this world around me. 

When I thought about cementing goals for the New Year, I felt a bit unmotivated. It’s not that I don’t have ideas and passion for the future… It’s just I am not sure that putting my goals from January forward and projecting them into the whole year is for me. I did most of my goals last year… I did a long bike trip, I improved in my messengering, I did sort of improve my German…, however some I did not complete. I did not really go forward in some of the hobbies that I had thought I would like to learn more about.  I think I will be making more concise goals weekly or monthly and thinking more clearly about what I would like to see happen or expect from myself.  

So guys, hear from you soon

THANKSGIVING

At this time of year a couple of big memories spring to mind.

 It’s hard to not get nostalgic if I think back to the different years. November always was a special time, it seemed that something life changing was always going on and this year is no different, there are plenty of things that are today stirring my soul. I know that years from now I will also look back on this November and remember some pretty cool things. 

 Today I realized its exactly one year since I started cycling in Asia from Bangkok to Cambodia. Situations like this, of facing the unknown and doing crazy and brave things are always leaving a firm imprint on my life and memories. This is because I am such an emotional person, in times like this my emotions are so strong that the thought of them can bring the same feelings back. Even now as I look back and remember myself starting to cycling alone in a strange country, I feel a lump in my throat because I remember that emotion I had when I started. I held back tears and told myself ‘One day it will be one year from now, I will look back and it will just be something I have done, I just have to do it’. Today is that day.  I am so grateful for all the things I went through alone on this trip. It would not have been the same with someone else beside me to take my fears away or share them with. I know that I needed to face some things totally alone, to know what I was capable on my own, to see myself as I am, without anything to support my ego or image, my self-creation of who I am or was. I was alone, no one knew me, I was nothing, I had to stand on my own and use only the resources within myself to find the bravery to keep going… and I did. Despite all my moments of weakness and everything I am not… I think on this trip I discovered something that I am, brave, determined, and not afraid of fear. Does that makes any sense?… I know fear, I have it, I have felt it so strong, but I am not afraid of feeling it, I want to feel it, I want to face it… I want to experience it, and most importantly, I don’t let it stop me. 

Also thinking back even a bit more, November is special to me because the CE team. By this I mean everyone who made the team in lots of different phases. One tradition we had since I first came to Serbia was continued through the years at CE wast that ee would always celebrate a Thanksgiving dinner and party together. Even though we were not American and were not religious, it was a celebration of all the good things that have happened in the year. It was always a very sweet and fun event, everyone used to go around in a circle and say the 5 things they were grateful for that year. It was a lovely tradition and something that helped build the CE staff into the lovely community that they were. I often look back fondly on those great guys that made CE so lovely and on the special time in our lives that we shared. I am most certainly very thankful  for them and for the life that I lived in Serbia,  it was such an amazing collection of weird and wonderful experiences. 

When I moved to Graz I had this feeling like I hadn’t made many close friends, I was working all the time at very intense and draining jobs, and I hardly had time to invest at all in any kind of relationships. I used to look back and get sad thinking about the community and the role I played in it back in Serbia. I wondered if I would ever have that again or if I just got really lucky to be surrounded by sweet people, love and happiness. Things here changed, I didn’t have the old CE crew and staff to build a close community with, it just wasn’t the same at all. But slowly the community started to build, the people who I lived with and the friends I made became my community. I grew closer with the guys from the Pink Pedals,  the customers and regulars at CE became dear to me, and the guys in my apartment are like family to me. I see how important it is to surround yourself with an environment that builds love and community. I also learnt how it doesn’t happen instantly, everything takes time, but be patient with it, it will come. I honestly believe that there is love and friendships and wonderful people in every corner of the world. I think one of my skills is that I am able to really bring people together, I love people genuinely and I want to be close to them, I need it. I have lived now in 3 countries for some amount of time, in every place I build up a group of people who I love and who loved me, this is something in my life that I am really satisfied with. You need to find your people, your tribe, your group of jungle bums that make you happy and bring joy to your life.

 I have some friends who have moved to foreign countries and don’t feel at home there, they have struggled to make deeper friendships and get this community feeling. I think the key in this is simple… don’t be an ex-pat… you’re not a foreigner invading their culture with your own.. be one of them. When I lived in Serbia, I really felt Serbian, at least i lived the reality of some Serbian people. I lived in a cute little house, I had no money, I tried to learn the language, I shopped in the same places, ate the same food, went to the same concerts, smoked hundreds of cigarettes, and drank Jelen pivo and Zajcarsko with absolutely no complaint. I struggled hard there to keep my business going, I got super depressed… I understood the people there, I understood my friends, I loved them, I loved the culture, I loved the food, I loved the parents and the grandma’s, and with all of this they accepted me too, they welcomed me into their sweet little homes with open arms, they fed me at their tables and treated me like their own… 

 Here are my top 5 tips for getting integrated into a new country.

1.       Don’t hang out only with other foreigners, spend time and make friendships with people from the country you are living in. They will bring to life for you all the beauties of your new home. You may have a lot in common with other expats and people who have travelled abroad, but you will also have that with local people.

2.       Learn the language, invest time and energy in understanding and learning, even though I don’t feel particularly talented in German or Serbian, I am so happy that I understand a bit and invest in studying. Not only is it fascinating and fun but it’s really helping to understand the culture and humour.  

3.       Don’t judge what you don’t understand. People from all over the world have had such different experiences; many tough things in a country’s background can create mentalities and behaviour that you don’t understand. Don’t judge, accept and realise that everyone has their own story, their reason for why they are they way they are. I loved Slavenka Drakulic’s book ‘How we survived communism and even laughed’. It was stories about communist Yugoslavia and shared lots of humorous and sad moments, it came to life for me because so much of it reminded me of my friends and the strong people I met in Serbia who had lived tough such tough and difficult times.

4.       Get involved and interested in all age-groups. I loved the grandma’s in Serbia, I loved my friends’ parents. Talking with them the little I could and seeing their lives was so fascinating for me. I always had a special place in my heart for these quaint and strong older women from ex-Yugoslavia, especially after I stayed with some of them while travelling, and understood some of their stories. Getting acquainted with the older age group was a source of much joy for me

5.       Do as they do… As I said before, try to live as a local if you want to be really accepted.. and most importantly put yourself out there. If you love genuinely and without prejudices… I promise you, you will be accepted, they will welcome you with open arms and like me, you will make true friendships that will last for life. 

Its Thanksgiving time rolling in again, and me and my flatmates will host a thanksgiving dinner, just like we used to do in Serbia. Different country, different people, different lifestyle and customs.. but the same feeling… contentment, happiness and gratitude. I am so happy to have shared different parts of my life with really wonderful people and I know that I will continue to do so.

The Good Life

 It's A Good Life

Life can be a pretty weird bundle of experiences and emotions.  

Do we ever get every area of our lives right? Somehow to me it feels like I have always been lucky in love, I’ve been lucky in love from every angle of my relationships with people, good friends, good people, a good man that I love dearly. It’s the other career areas of my life that confuse me and make me constantly question myself.

Here are some of the questions that are relentlessly come up in my mind, tell me now if any of these are familiar to you

'Am I doing my best with what I have?'

'Am I ever going to get my shit together and stabilize my life, have more money and have a proper defined career?'

'What will my future look like, what will I be 5 years from now?'

And yeahhh of course this one

'What the fuck am I doing?'

So I just want to reflect a little on that question, the one that is ‘What will I be doing 5 years from now’ because sometimes this one scares me, I think some other friends of mine may be confused sometimes about their future too… I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.. it could be one of those awkward moments where you admit something hoping to get the other affirmations to find that you are alone. Oh yeah should I mention now,  there is nothing wrong with being alone, in aloneness you will find time to reflect, you can figure out the most important things about the most important person in YOUR life…and of course that would be YOU.

5 years ago, I was working on opening CE in Serbia, actually it had just started, 5 years ago today it might have been open for a couple months. It was running smoothly and was a beautiful hive of activity. 5 years ago my life was different, 5 years ago I was different. When I reflect on the adventures that the last 5 years have brought me, when I see that choosing to live my life in this way (though sometimes it does not seem so much of a choice but a driving force), So much has changed, when I think of this I realise that anything can happen. You can change anything and create anything in any amount of time, it’s a matter of what we want and what we dream and what we want to create, hard work, faith and perseverance.

You know something about me, I am never satisfied. I am never ever going to be able to look at myself and think 'Anna... you are there... you are where you want to be'. I am always going to be one of those people that just can't settle down, settle up, settle for anything, settle at all... Sometimes i feel like taking myself by the shoulders and shouting 'WHAT DO YOU WANT??'
In all of this I take time now to appreciate the journey so far and to calm my questioning, unforgiving mind and admit to myself its a pretty good life.

Life in Graz… its pretty fucking lovely. Working with the crew from CE, it has its challenges for me personally, but that is part of life, what would it be with challenges and struggles. I have jobs that I love, I have people that I love.. damn it.. I have love. I am always going to be this person that leads from the heart. It bothers me sometimes when I see that my projects may create an impact but I still scrape by, saving for my rent and for the things I want. Do I need to make a choice to live either for what I want or to pursue stability? There must be a better way, a way for all those things to find their place; it’s my mission now to find that way.

But if not, if I cannot ever earn anything from CE, if I do end up sweeping streets or cleaning toilets, I will be happy doing it, I know I will.. I know whatever I do, wherever I am, whoever I find myself around… I may have struggles, I will always fight for what I want… but I know I will be happy.. Because above all else that is what I pursue, that is who I am and that is what I want….

What do you all think about this? Would you pursue love and happiness over material stability? And also… can you have both?

I also don’t feel I need much material stuff at all, it’s only when I look around me and see what others have got that I start to feel inadequate, so maybe the solution is.. less looking around and more looking inside.

There are so many good things to think about to appreciate.

1.       I am the lucky soul that gets to cycle as one of my jobs. Maybe I never really wrote in a proper post that Pink Pedals is a super lovely place to work. Bike messengering has made me proud, happy and strong. For one I get to wake up and get on my bike.. and know that I am not just riding to work, I am riding for work. Also this job has challenged me, and in challenging me has made me see that I can succeed when I try. It was tough for me to get acquainted closely with the streets of Graz, but now I feel like I know them like a dear friend, some days we are not quite in sync.. but when we are, we are very, very good friends.

2.       I live with some pretty amazing people in a super lovely apartment in a city that I always wanted to live in. 4 years ago I hitchhiked to Graz with Sanja (crazy artist lady), on arriving in the city we wandered up and down the streets, met amazing people and fell in love with the place… we always said one day we would love to live here. That day is today… and it is just a wonderful place to live your life, or at least a part of it.

3.       I met a real soulmate here In Graz, I guess everyone knows I am totally in love with this person. Saying he’s my boyfriend does not even get close to describing how sweet and deep this relationship is. We have so many things in common and have already had so many adventures together.

4.       CE is my own little baby, I can put ideas and creativity into the space and know that its mine.

It’s a good life, really it is, and if I ever complain, I will reread this post and remember… It really is a good life.

Ending A Chapter

Alright, now is the time to put together some thoughts about the recent events.. and also to talk a little bit about the past and a little bit about the future. 

CE in Novi Sad has closed. The beloved little coffee shop had been open for 5 years now and its really run its course. My emotions on the whole project remain very strong despite not being physically there for the last 2 years. For the time that I did live in Novi Sad and when I was running the CE, it was my whole life and basically the only thing I did or had time for. It was so enveloping as a project that I found it hard to do anything else, I never took holidays and I hardly ever had days off. All of the crew who have run CE since I have left know exactly how much effort and emotion the whole place took. One of the reasons why it was so difficult to keep going was simply the economic climate in Serbia, where the bills and expenses were high compared to the income the place could receive. Not wanting to make this solely a commercial venture, CE was always a community space. In other countries we could perhaps get funding for this kind of idea but we weren’t able to do that in Serbia for some reasons.  Looking back on the last 5 years I cannot say that this business was a failure. Indeed we lost money through this, as we put it, it was a big space in everyone’s heart and a little hole in your pocket. However looking at impact, social values, business experience, people that were helped, and the different ideas that have sprung out of the original root.. we have to give some credit to the venture, it may not remain open but it made an impact in so many ways.

I remember very clearly the first opening day of CE, more than 5 years ago now. I had nerves hitting the ceiling and I was so afraid of it failing in the first days or month. I remember just running off at night before the opening to go sit by the river and listen to music. My head was jammed with all the details of the opening and I was feeling so unable and like I was the last person in the  world who should be trying this. I remember thinking ‘why.. why did I have to do this, I am setting myself up to be super humiliated in this community, everyone is going to see it fall and just realise what an idiot I am’. Well the first weeks and months of CE passed and then years, new challenges presented themselves every step of the way, the fear of it not staying open past a month was gone, but there was always a different battle to fight.  The whole time I lived and worked in Serbia was the hardest time of my life so far, but also the most memorable. The struggle to work this business in this country was pushing me in every way. Those who know me well, know best the emotional breakdowns I had and how difficult this was.  I just want to clarify here that I was not the only person who started CE or who kept it running, there were so many people who participated and made the project run. The only reason I will talk now about what I went through is because I am writing it from a personal angle and I can only say the things its made me feel. I know that each of the original owners and every other person who worked at CE has every right to feel like the place is theirs and yes it is… anyone who has been to CE can understand and knows that it was all of ours and it made all of us feel something special . 

Many people have asked me how I feel to close it and see it closed, yes its sad… of course… but everything  comes to an end sometime and somewhere. We see it in nature and in our lives all around us. Goodness.. even we don’t last that long.. It can be kinda sad sometimes, but its also beautiful, knowing that from the end of one thing, you can let go and begin with something else.  Nothing material lasts forever, what I think will last and what I am proud of is the memories of all the good that happened in that one little space. I remember always thinking.. it’s a small room, but its got big stories.  I met amazing friends through CE, so many hilarious and heart warming moments happened there, I performed so many crazy things (even doing my Romanian magician show), I also saw so many great couples get together there, so many friends meet and relationships formed, some wonderful live music happened there, so many performers from all over the world were on that tiny stage, so many people presented their life stories there… so much more then I can even write down.

So the closing party was June 30^th, I walked into CE and immediately tears started, it was not that I was sad but that I was overwhelmed by everything that had happened. It was coming to end and that was the end of one chapter. Now its time to begin the next one. 

Andy and Ana have started a little café in the centre of Novi Sad called ‘Little Bits’, its like a tiny CE, if you are one of our customers and you are wondering where you can go… think no further.. it should definitely be your next hang out spot.. make it your regular coffee place.. it’s a business venture by a couple young people with real vision to make something nice for customers and staff. So support them in every way you can and the most important way is to simply show up and when you think of going out with friends for a drink… you know what to do.

Culture Exchange in Graz is still open, the 2^nd baby is alive and well.. Although only 2 years old and is very different from the first.. what will happen with this venture.. well.. only time will tell.