Power Posing and Wanting what you have.
I want to share with you all, and with myself (because I
know this blog is somewhat of a diary and a letter to me) some moments that
have moved me. I do not get time or the feeling to write this blog that much
anymore, sometimes I wonder if it is because I have gotten boring or lost the
deep passion for life that I had… but its not that. It’s simply not the time
for it, other things come and rest in my mind, stir me and move me, but I do
not feel like putting pen to paper, or should I say.. fingers to keyboard. But
today… today, this beautiful day, I feel like it.
As you know I work as a bike messenger, for the sweetest
company in Graz, Pink Pedals. The cycling crew that I have met and become close
to over the last two years has brought me so much joy and honestly… they made
Graz feel like home, not only through knowing them personally but also through
knowing the city, getting intimate with the streets, feeling the weather in all
forms harassing and comforting me, seeing the daily life of the people around me
anytime from 7am till 6pm… sharing moments with doctors, dentists, architects,
and anyone that we pick up or deliver a package from. What do you share? Well a
friendly smile, a knowing tired look, a curseful comment about the weather or
the drivers, and the pure happiness of seeing the first signs of spring.
There is the heart warming thrill of taking off your thick
winter gloves after months of freezing cold and feeling the grips on your
handlebars fitting snuggly into your hands… all of this and more are part of
the cycle courier daily routine and life and I love it.
I have to think back to when I started my first shifts for
Pink Pedals, It was extremely difficult for me. I was constantly lost and I was
super nervous almost all the time, which most certainly didn’t help. Despite
feeling very untalented at the task, I
persisted, never really knowing for sure if it would get better. Even when it
did get better, my self doubt was very strong. Even after cycling for more then
a year and with plenty of experience, my stomach would churn before my morning
shift, I would panic and get worried. My self talk was very negative as I would
always tell myself that I was slow and an idiot and how could I not know this
or that or whatever. At some point I
recognised it, I saw that I was constantly giving myself a hard time, but I did
not know how to stop it. I watched a Ted Talk about something called Power
Posing.. it talked about how your body language could affect your confidence,
it suggested you take a more positive powerful stance before doing something
that you need courage for. Much like the Superman or woman pose with legs
spread and one hand or both pointing up.
I decided to give it a try.. and so.. I power posed every morning or
afternoon before my shift.. I created a mantra which went ‘I am fast, I am
strong, I am safe’. I really didn’t care
what I looked like, as I stood in full cycling gear in front of the mirror in
our hallway and put my hands on my hips, looked myself in the eyes and said
those words out loud, if I forgot to do it before I left, I stopped to do it in
the entrance of our building or anywhere else where I had a break. Slowly and surly my feelings changed, I
started to feel strong, fast and safe… my self doubt, although always a cloud
looming high in the sky… got smaller and smaller… my assurity and belief that I
could do this job grew. I found myself saying yes when I was asked if I could
make it on time for something or if I thought I could manage it, instead of
doubting and taking ages to decide, I would say ‘yes I can’. I really believe that
my poser habits and my positive re-enforcements changed my mind-sets towards
myself towards this job. As soon as I stopped with the self-critic, the joyful
moments abounded so much more… the stress and worry disappeared, I was able to
control my emotions more and be more reliable. All of this to say… guys and
girls… try a power pose when you need to do something that is scaring you,
build the hero confidence, even if you are only pretending or acting… I had to
fake it till I made it… and it worked.
Here is a link to the TED talk if you want to watch it
The days fly by over here, tumbling in with the mixed
emotions, ups and downs are part of life and even though I try to embrace them
all I struggle periodically with self doubt and it is still a crippling
disability. Since I arrived in Graz I felt it stronger than ever, more then
that I felt dry of ideas and draining of the energy that I used to know back when
I was at the CE in Novi Sad. I wondered many times what had happened to all the
old me, the girl with irrepressible energy and strength. I read back over a
note I had written to a friend, I had told him ‘tell me if I am not one of the
most brave girls you have ever met?’. For my time in Graz I didn’t feel brave
anymore, I didn’t feel purposeful, I felt tired. When I tried to push energy
into CE, I felt like I was drawing from an empty well, instead of life giving
water, I pulled out mud and muck and it took so much strength to do even that.
Sometimes like a flash of lighting across a dark night sky, my lively energy
would return, the fountain of ideas and inspiration erupted and I thought… ahh
now I have got it back… but then just as quickly as it had appeared, it was
gone, and the dark sky was back and I was alone with myself and feeling somehow
helpless to change things. I looked
around me at my brothers and sisters, friends and colleagues and saw from my
perspective the progress they had made. I saw the careers and education that
they had built up…. I compared myself to them and felt inadequate, small and
like a little girl trying to run to keep up with the fast pace that the adults
were walking. At one point a thought changed my perspective… ‘If I don’t have what
I want at the moment, maybe I should try wanting what I have’. And what do I
have?? So many good things and people surround me every day. I have my own
business (which by the way is pretty successful), I work as a bike messenger
with a super cool crew of people, I have a life partner who loves me, I have my
body working better then ever… when I saw all of this I realise that I have so
many of the things I have struggled to attain and was striving for. I think that
I was so used to thinking negative about myself and doubting myself that I never
stopped to realise that things had changed… all the areas I had fought to put
my foot down in were starting to take root… they had changed but I had not. Now
its time to appreciate the road behind, the road now and the road ahead….. Its
been an amazing journey here in Graz. Yes I have what I want, because I want
what I have, I want it so much and I am grateful.
Some amazing stuff that I have been doing these days includes
teaching bike mechanics classes specifically for FLIT people (I even got paid
for it). I also finished a study course to be an English teacher… I have a job
in a week teaching English in Salzberg. I am organizing an Alleycat* bike race
with the other female couriers from Pink Pedals… yes I have been busy. 