What the hell are we
fighting for?
I didn't write a
post on my blog for over a month now. The reason was that I have been
going through a really tough time with so many decisions, my brain
felt like a a giant tangled ball of string that I couldn't find the
end to begin to unravel it.
When I returned to
Serbia from Graz I immediately felt the stress and pressure of
everything that needed to be done here. CE was having another tough
summer, all my savings were in our bar in Graz, and a lot of things
were broken and needed repair. Last year the bar also had a tough
summer and I put in some of my savings to pull it out of the hole
that it was slipping into, this year I did not have that luxury and I
felt the pressure and began to panic.
All of a sudden I
doubted every decision I had made, to live and stay in Serbia and
continue the business here. I felt like it was so much stress and I
am constantly struggling. I see many people my age who are working
in successful jobs or studying and it just seemed that I was so far
behind.
I really had a hard
time sleeping and I was crying a lot from the stress and pressure of
it. I couldn't figure out what was the best option for myself and
what I wanted to do. Everything felt wrong and hard and each option
seemed to be a domino effect that a lot of other things depended on.
I have doubted my own sanity in these moments as every day I seemed
to think a different option was better.
Yes I have
considered to close CE Novi Sad, to leave everything and once again
start my life doing something else,to realise the dream was not
reality and to forget about it all and do something more 'normal'
I do live a crazy
life, between two countries, with so many things to do every single
day. I have almost no time for myself, almost no money, I can almost
never buy anything new, and I work constantly.
This brings us to
the question of why we do what we do? What are we fighting for?
if
its not a financial life choice, then it must be for something really worthwhile.
This is what I have
been trying to clear in my brain.... WHAT THE HELL ARE WE FIGHTING
FOR?
Its a fight to live
and work in Serbia, its difficult for every single person here. I can
clearly see now why so many young people feel depressed and
discouraged with the system and don't see results for their efforts.
I know why they want to leave and start a new life somewhere else.
It's very difficult here.
Everything in our
lives is a matter of perspective and worth is only the value that you
place on it. It's a psychological thing, if you can attach worth to
anything you are doing it will mean something to you, If you cannot,
it will mean nothing and dissatisfaction will be right there, waiting
for you no matter what you do, how much you earn, how beautiful you
are, or how many friends you have.
I spoke with one of
my good friends about how I was feeling, I told him so much
negativity and showed him the stressfulness of it all. Instead of
feeling sorry for me and sympathising with me he told me how much I
have that I need to appreciate and be thankful for. After all, I have
done so much here in Serbia, its been amazing, the cafe is beautiful
and I am strong and able to do anything I want. So many people don't
have the advantages I have, and in all of this, I do not appreciate
it. He told me If I cannot be happy with what I have right now, right
here, then I will never be happy. I feel like we are all putting our
expectations so high, we want everything right now and we want it to
be perfect. Life is just not like that, there are so many battles
that we have to fight every day. It's a fight, but are we fighting?
Or are we just letting life happen to us, is everything that is going
on beating the shit out of us, or are we beating the shit out of it.
I am here in Serbia
because I really believe that CE is something important for the
community, that its making a change, that its creating a space that
is free thinking, living and giving opportunity to the young people
here in Novi Sad. I think this is important, it might not be
important to anyone else, but its my perspective that what I am doing
matters.
If I look to the
future and think what to do.... my goodness Its just a big mess.... I
feel the world around me is going so fast and I am still like a little
kid, just trying to make sense of everything in some small way and to
be happy. Its so easy to give up hope and lose faith in your cause,
and to pursue some kind of other goals, earning money and success in
other ways. I do believe that everyone's cause is their own and its
not that one thing can be greater then another, but its a different
kind of importance and sometimes something is just important for you
and sometimes its bigger then that, sometimes what you are doing is
important for many people, for a city, a country or even for the
whole world.
My plan now is to
close CE for the summer, 10th June till 10th of
September, and in this time I will work to do the restoration part
and to perhaps go work somewhere for a few months to earn some of
that precious paper stuff that we all need for everything.
I plan to actually
cycle to Graz from June 12th till 16th... as
its a cheap, refreshing and beautiful way to travel and its not too
far.
From there on, guys,
I have no idea what life will bring, or how to work on everything. I
must say that in these last few weeks when I have been searching for
solutions, some amazing options have become available to me, and I
will be pushing forward in as strong a way as I know how. I want to
keep CE alive in Serbia in the best possible way for everyone.
We also recently hit
our 10,000 FB likes. It's just a small thing that makes me see that
CE has had a pretty deep effect on many, many lives.
We also have over
600 reviews on our FB page, they are pretty amazing
I read this quote
this morning
Success
is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re
tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
Robert
Strauss
I do feel pretty
tired of all the struggle much of the time, but then I remember what
we are fighting for, that this is life, real, vivid, painful, and
fucking beautiful.
